heavy ghosts (some thoughts)

there could be heavy ghosts. __i like the sound of faraway things. memory is the farthest away thing. to lose someone to time is to infinitely lose them. (goodbyest of them all.

nothing much to be said for Tuesday afternoons. the motion of other people's lives in comparison to my own makes me sea-sick. dizzy too. i can't even imagine being the person i was. LA, 2007, Haifa... all feel soo distant. soo... impossible. i can't imagine any of it having existed.

especially 2007. the air was soo hazy. everything was soo thick and heavy i could barely move. i moved soo little, tried to just curl up and be forgotten about. how is that life? i can't even believe that existed. that that smileless, grey object was one of the myselves. 2007. the year of disappointment. remember that? LA. supposedly the(a) year for miracles. maybe it was. i think it was 'the year of scaffolding' personally. this year would be 'the year of air'. the year that i breathed easier. things made midly more sense.

and still. how far we all drift from one another. let's be real a moment, i'm a new(est) myself to be sure, but there's still that heavy curtain. and every now and then, from behind that curtain i hear a voice, or a phantom hand comes out and taps me on my shoulder and i remember everything that was. and it makes me soo... what's the word? what? i don't know.

____things that make me comfortable, a LIST:

____1. blueberry muffins. with tea. (warmed up? yes, thankyou!)
____2. 2-minute noodles
____3. sitting in the darkness of the cinema watching previews lost in my frozen coke
____4. lip-kissing
____5. people saying to me it'll be ok baby
____6. falling asleep/resting my head in people's laps
____7. heavy blankets
____8. holding a book to my chest when i walk
____9. reminding myself i am no(one)thing. (i love to feel insignificant. it is the only remedy to my narcissism)

where was i?
drifting plainly, silently away. how much i am loving being a new person. a person no one knows. dear friends i have right now: i hope you never know me. i hope there are no ties of love and history that bind us. i hope i am always that kid who comes out and makes dirty jokes and doesn't drink. that is enough. i hope never to anything ever again. all that was too heavy. life is too messy a tangle to be caught up in. yes. i believe that.

(i am soo behind in correspondence).

i am sick you see.
i rode it like i stole it.
i smoked it to the filter.
i sat for 22 hours straight and wrote my paper.
then my body convulsed into fits, i sweated uncontrollably, and i felt almost might throw up. then i worked some more, and eventually fell into a 14 hour slumber from which i was disturbed every half hour with a jabbing percussive pain in the frontal lobe of my brain.

now it is back down to sniffles.
soon it will be my self again.
and i'll ride it again.
smoke it again.
burn it again.
and piss the flames back out again.

my phone is on silent because i hate noise.

there is no language for what i want to say.
i'll try again later when i have a better idea.