Sunday, March 23, 2014

Schrodinger's cat / the Big Leagues / the letter

i spend 18 days praying to be free from it. from the outcome of it. detachment detachment detachment. what will be will be. who you are you are. nothing to be done. you gave it your best, can't fight gravity. all that.

___* * *

it's 10:15pm when i get out from work. the final few days of the Fast, and i'm wrecked. my body is exhausted. the 15 hour days are not helping things. i walk out of my building and habitually check my networks waiting for the pedestrian crossing. 1 new message. Your application to Oxford. i haven't run fast enough. it's caught me at last. so this is the moment. i always imagined it would happen during the day - i don't know why. i imagined it would happen... not on the side of the street. (i cross the road). think what to do. how to do this.

there's a bus stop. i sit down. i need to say a prayer.

___* * *

in the car of your trunk, there is a cat. it could be alive, it could be dead. if we were quantum physicists, we would say that there is a 'superposition of states' - that both states exist simultaneously and are 'entangled'. This is because there is x% chance the cat is alive, and y% chance the cat is not. so, it's both. at the same time. the only way to find out, is to open the trunk. when you open the trunk, you force ('collapse') all the possibilities into one, final, definitive state.

i am accepted. i am rejected. i am both. i enjoy the moment.

___* * *

my decision is the Long Healing Prayer. (later my dad laughs when i tell him the story. 'what were you praying for? to avoid a heart attack?!)
___i don't care what it's called. i feel very close to this prayer. i've been saved by it before. when i sat on Mar couch staring at the ships in the bay and pretending i wasn't crying, this is the prayer i would say. it's caused earthquakes before. when i sat on the floor of our apartment in Santa Monica and mom asked 'what do you want to do with your life q?' and i couldn't answer and we both cried - this is the prayer we said. the Healing Prayer was there at the start of this mess. if this is to be the end - one way or another - this has to be the prayer to be said.

___* * *

three sentences in i half regret it. The Long Healing Prayer takes me between 8-14 mins to read depending on my mood. that's a long time to concentrate on something other than the cat in the trunk.

it occurs to me, Your application to Oxford could be anything. In 12 minutes i could check the email and all it will say is 'we are in the process of reviewing applications, thanks for your patience'. Somehow i know that's not the case... but it could be. The cat could not even be in the trunk. the cat could be at home still.

___* * *
1 new message. Your application to Oxford.


___Dear applicant

___Please see the attached PDF File.

___Best wishes

i stare at it for a minute. try and divine what that means. dammit. i didn't get in. that's it. that's the only thing that it could mean.




___* * *

... delighted ... inform ... successful.

w ait.



i start from the beginning, i can't find the beginning. it's like your blurry eyes slowly forming the shapes. i close and reopen and try to read slowly

I am delighted to inform you that your application to the University of Oxford as a graduate student has been successful. We would like to offer you a place...

[i can't breathe]. my hand is shaking. maybe i read it wrong, keep reading, keep...

Our admissions round is extremely competitive, and we would like to congratulate you most warmly on your success.


___* * *

- q! Q!
- yyes, what?
- Q!
- ...
- why are you so quiet? are you okay?
- i... am ___uhm
- oh my poor baby, you're shocked
- yah.
- where are you?
- on. the. side bus stop street somewhere.
- why are you shocked?
- nothing makes sense.
- what? what are you talking about?
- i can't connect the dots. ___how did this happen?
- you made it happen.
- i don't understand how. i remember sitting in the living room, and you asking me what i wanted to do with my life, and me not having an answer, and everyone crying. it wasn't that long ago...
- 2008?
- six years isn't so long is it?
- it's nothing.
- so how?
- sshhh. baby. you really have no idea who you are you know that?
- ... sometimes.

___* * *

i'm still digesting.

[to be continued].

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


Dear alleverythingverymassivelargeGod
Forgive me if i have fallen down even where there was no step to trip on, like on sunny tuesdays. Forgive me for being scared of tomorrow/s, and for having intense allergy attacks everytime i see a cat because i know i shouldn't play with them but i can't help it because i'm weak. Forgive me for not loving J and making her sad, and even more for not being able to forget her and even even more for being angry at myself for feeling lonely even though i know it's normal because i'm disappointed i'm not a robot. You are alleverythingful so You don't need my reasons. You know me.

Help me shake tomorrow's hand, and unloose my tongue to respond to my friends, who i miss. i don't know the words for the things i feel, so i cannot describe anything. You know all. So, everything that needs to be said, You know. So, just...