fridaylude.

so then here's the last of this thing,
_____(how heavy this friday sags)
a last chance to say a last thing before this book goes back on its shelf,
speaking its see yah in silence

dear friday afternoon, after six months of monday mid-mornings, followed by a week's respite of sunday afternoon, i have this You now , soft as you are ,
curved :.
_____if there was snow we'd all lie in such a dream of white,

but watch that clock creep its broken jaw across the line -
i am too old for this heavy patience

unslept eyes at a breakface pace

there there then.
there there then.
there there:
the cut on my hand needs its honey.

sweet goodnight

thoughts (fragments)

untitled by lauren treece


there is a fountain by the pool. I do not like it, it deceives me. In the evenings when it's on, it sounds like it raining, but ___it isn't. __The sky doesn't feel like it's raining. (and yet, there's the sound of it.
______a mild torture. (reminds me on unrequited lust(


___*___*___*

i received a too-nice text message. reminded me that this is still somethingwho i am. even when i'm feeling sterile , and dry-lipped. even under that there's a fossil with a few words imprinted on it. probably with a too large proportion of adjectives.


___*___*___*

- Q, no. No.
- what? why?
- no Q.
- what are you worried about,? i'm fine, i'm okay with this
- no, I'm not worried about you - you're fine - i'm worried about her.
- what!
- what?
- Judas!
- no!
- yes!
- no!
- what kind of friend are you!, stop Judas-ing me!
- yah, whatever cowboy. Let me tell you, as a girl, you're like the seven plagues of Egypt sugar coated in a charming wrapper.
- ___i... i... i think i'm flattered.


___*___*___*

We sit at a table to celebrate his disappointment. 'Either we'll have dinner. Either it'll be to celebrate, or to distract you and rage on those whose decision was wrong'. To which I promptly typed "IN". And so there we sat. What has this year been anyway? he asks. The year of what tha I propose. They want to know if I'm serious. I am, either that or the year of the bow tie. Because we learned how to tie bow ties this year. get it? we learned to , therefore ... seems... like, an (to which they: yes we get it q). When we get up and leave, it's still nameless. 2011 was my transition year. But I see 2012 as an extension of that. It's an unexpected appendage to 2011, a growth.


___*___*___*

THINGS I HAVE BEEN TOLD BY PERSON PAID TO LISTEN TO ME SPEAK, A LIST:

- no, this would have been even before that. I don't think you've ever been emotionally accessible. Not totally anyway.
- you don't use people, you just try and control things; So that you don't get hurt.
- this may come as a shock to you, but some people are motivated by human relations [i stare at him a while] ('what does that even mean that doesn't mean anything how can blahblahing motivate anything?'). i thought it might shock you.
- you've never been in a relationship you hadn't already found an exit strategy out of, have you?


___*___*___*

it excites me to be awake
i hear wind, it hears me.
tomorrow is a distant fragment of disappointment,
an intangible future i am not concerned in/with.


___*___*___*

in the magic stillness of my bedsheets i see the angular shapes of the summer girls sitting on the train. all ankles and naked shoulders and unbrushed hair. challenging eyes, demanding my reason for looking at her. i give the bedsheets the same questioning, curious gazes back.
______somewhere in all this, there is some epiphany that will wake me. re-enliven me.

... .. .

With the sun in your eyes Always mistaking The truth from the lies by swimminginmilk

maybe that's just what happens when you're most of the way through being 29. ___(i've run out of words). ___possibly feelings too. possibly all of it.
___i'm concerned that it's too soon for the magic of my life to have run dry, and for me to feel like nothing is worth... commentary , and reflection , and occasional replays-through in my mind.

i'm a workaholic. yes. i think at this point, there isn't anybody around who knows me well-enough (which is akin to saying: is frequently neglected by me) who would disagree with that characterization.  The problem with this, from my point of view, is that if i dislike my work, it saps my life-force. 40 mins on the treadmill feels like endless horror. i'm not inclined to meet anybody new - when work ends i disappear to avoid the possibility of social blahblahblah. i hope there's no one i know waiting on the train platform so i can get 20 minutes of solitude on the ride home. it might be all i get.


___*___*___*

outside it is sunny.
my laundry is on the line.
when i collect it tonight it will smell like everything i remember about my childhood.
___it will be a minor, tiny, miraculous, fragmentary joy.


___*___*___*

[sigh]

even my romantic adventures, which always thrilled me, are starting to feel stale. There is a great joy in being charmed and seduced by someone, and feeling your sense of control slip away and - it's a two-way giving - all the electricity that has to build up for a one lightning bolt first-kiss. Recently i've been thinking how being charmed and seduced might be too low a standard. Maybe it's just... kinda dirty. Too predictable. (Maybe it's me, i've gotten too good at knowing who i'm going to be taken with, and who is being taken with me... i'm robbing myself of the magic of romance). I can often sense it, not see it or predict it, but i can often sense something in the air when i first meet women. Often i won't even be able to know what it was until well after the romance is over, and then when i re-think about the first meeting that it's there, all too clear all along.

(
and poetry feels farther away from me than every before).


___*___*___*

THINGS I AM CURRENTLY CHARMED BY, A LIST:

- jacaranda trees.
Brisbane is full of them, and this time of year they all bloom. and every now and then, as you walk, train, move around the place, your eyes fall on the lilac-coloured-cloud of a jacaranda in bloom.

- sun in the wind. a view of sunlit sidewalk when you stand in the shade. the step from in to out when a blanket of sunlight changes the everything of as-you-knew-it.

- the Radio Dept. (the band). (bit of a rediscovery)

- corned beef and hash brunches.

- incessantly dreaming of the future.
or at least, the end of this year. a year that will have no requiem, no pomp, no decided farewell. it hasn't been that important a year. not really momentous at all, and yet, i suppose it has. sidelist: IMPORTANT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN 2012, A SIDELIST: (1) learned how to tie bow-ties, (2) bought a house, (3) came off the pills. That's in order of how much pride i feel at their achievement, with (1) invoking the most pride and (3) the least.

- Rake.
Those of you who are australian, and familiar with the legal-scene in australia will already love this show. the others will probably not find it particularly anything. (that is, if you can find it).

- what happens when radio dept and sofia coppolla (aka 'future wife') come together: KAPOW!


___*___*___*

and so it was, that in the 29th year of his life, a man who loved life, even during all those times (the majority of which) he was feeling lost and scared about it, ran out of words, thoughts and feelings about himself, his life, his happenings, all of it. and the most amazing ball of cosmic possibility, grief, joy, love sex and romance, all converged into a completely benign, placid ball of fossilized automata about which nothing could be said. since it just was, one way or another, just was was was and could not be thought out of in to or around.

and so it was, that in the 29th year of his life, this man was concerned.


___*___*___*

insert characteristically poetic closing lines here.

:(