in the early hours, i sit on a milk-crate on my porch
and watch the strange clouds ,
eating cereal and enjoying the hope in my veins
___*___*___*
i am a different man when i wear a beard.
quieter usually, more alone,
but always surer of myself ;
and my hands better touch women nearby.
___*___*___*
it changes around me. shapes, colours, moods.
one day, this dust-covered-hell-pit will be my home
and i will love it because it will be every single part of me
skinned and put on display.
___*___*___*
'i'm worried, i should tell you, i'm concerned'
'every woman i have been alone with for more than an hour
i have slept with this month.'
___*___*___*
so i took the pills.
was lost and got loster
___(was fallen and fell
___*___*___*
late-afternoon was so handsome. the sky violet,
a perfect blanket to wear.
perched with legs on either side of a ladder i paint a window,
too slowly and too deliberately,
and stop.
and start to cry to myself.
for the second time in a decade ,
only this one inexplicable.
without mourn or happiness.
when he asks me why later i have found the answer:
it was the hurt of my face up against that bottom rock
(and fifteen minutes later cried again).
___*___*___*
and then it finished.
get me out of here mom i need to not be here.
she was shocked. shiny and perfect and glowing with
labour and fresh and rosy as dawn, to leave now?
far.
farther.
___*___*___*
q remember to shave your beard and clean the paint out from under your fingernails before you start work tomorrow.
___*___*___*
so much silence ,
at 1am i painted with one lamp
illuminating the room.
my knees quivered.
i have not known such a complete death before.
___*___*___*
q, you haven't spoken to anyone in months. you have to come. you must. you can't keep refusing to see people. you're coming.
___*___*___*
with the heavy rains puddles have formed along the driveway.
the weeds that broke my back spring up,
perky and happy and mistaken as youth.
so now i know, that was all a waste of time.
___*___*___*
was fallen and fell ,
and stayed down
(oh don't worry about the house, it's a hundred years old it's tougher than you or i)
and it ate me as an apple
___*___*___*
i have not worn glasses in months
i sit as the bus moves on and am unsure how to hold my briefcase
i hear wind through my bones