possible canist

____- what's wrong with you?
____- __i don't know. _let me think about it._i'll tell you next time i see you.
____- next time?
____-yeah.
____- ok.
____- ok.
________Darjeeling Limited





secret life 6, tommyoshima

I had the awesome (awe, -noun- 1: an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear etc. produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like) realization today that life is happening. right now. before my very eyes. A spring has unraveled, and is dancing in her yellow dress. Soon she'll laugh sweetly, cover her mouth with a slender hand (no one, not even the rain, has such small hands), and slightly out of breath sit the next one out. A darling red-head with fancy jewels on her fingers will get up. Busty. voluptuous woman. Her eyes are sharper. ____I like spring better. Sometimes when we're together, she is happy to let me be quiet. She doesn't mind that I'm sometimes lost to myself, drifting in thoughts I'm not even certain I'm having even as I'm having them.

*__*__*

Three solemn sages, each with their feminine eyes have prophesied that I mustn't move on. That this life (Life! the musical) that is starting to grow hands and feet should not be deserted by another of my escapist adventures. I had my sister consult her dreamtime oracles for me. Out of a midnight dreamtime reverie she awoke with this advice for me:

it's true q: you are happiest when you're somewhere serving a people. lost in them. having left yourself and your cares somewhere else. there's no other way to be that happy. truly happy. and we should serve. all of us. it's what we must do. but don't think that you have to leave everything to do it. you can do things anywhere you are. ____and anyway, we all know you run away. if you want to have a stable life, then build it. if you really want to know what God wants for you: pick the thing that's hardest for you to do, and get started doing it.

*__*__*

I have been feeling very bland these few days. The test is done. I have found myself to be just as predicted: extraordinary in the ways I don't want to be. average in the things I need right now. I have spent these few days sliding between movies, chatter, playing cards at diners with Sahar waiting for our food, on the treadmill listening to the contractions of my thighs for advice. Entirely avoiding me. I know what I'd have to say about everything. I am trying to ignore me. To be a supra-me.


*__*__*

I once wrote a story about a young boy and a young girl. about a voyage through the night to fix a broken star. about a swan and a boy with a raft who would fly.row them there. I am thinking of rewriting it. a sort of fairytale fable. a navigation through dreams, hoping by the last page reality would have met us halfway (we being never enough to make it there alone).


*__*__*

who amongst us has made sense of it? please, if you have tell me. Here are things I am looking for answers to:

__- how do you learn to be ok with me?
__- am i: i now, or, am i: now i?
__- bravery is the part of my heart that says: jump q!
__- miracles are both the graces we encounter and the tragedies.

*__*__*

[i flip through my notebook looking for ideas on how to finish this midnight rant, i find odds and ends, the tailends of days, but nothing solid]

__(5) be good enough for everything. be too-good for nothing.

__(9) stop blaming myself for Life's failures.
____(stop blaming life for My failures)
____(stop blaming time.love for their vastness)

__- here lies no(one)thing

__- a sleep with 12 dreams

__- PERSONAL STATEMENT (what's left of the town square, Troia)

__- and you can read me anything

and then it strikes me, there it is, 8 pages into my journal, written some 3 weeks ago, point (5) in the list Things I Am Rediscovering. when I wrote it I was startled. I look back on it now, fascinated that it is still improving without completely subsisting:

__(5) a cessation to that feeling of being dropped and falling (incredible distances in short times)