Sunday, June 8, 2008

Q & A with Q & A (part 1)

Dear Readers,

we've been lucky enough to secure the time and attention of the wonderful Ghetto Blaster; she has agreed to have all her wits and senses challenged in an intense Q & A session. So, Q will ask, and A will answer... no one knows what might happen! (enjoy the ride)

Q_On somebody's sweatshirt today I saw written: Juicy Love. What does this phrase mean?

A_I actually know this answer, for it is written on my laptop case as well. "Juicy" is a brand for girls, by 2 women who wanted to make princess like accessories, sweat pants and overpriced jewelry. I actually have alot of Juicy things, all to which were gifts and there stuff is really cute. "Juicy Love" is just one of their expressions/sayings. Without prior knowledge, I can see the confusion.

Q_If everything in the world was reversed to its exact opposite: 10 became -10, and -10 became 10; black was now white, and white black, and feet were hands and hands were feet; would the world still exist in a stable form?

A_Green is the new black… also: "Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm."

Q_ Once when I couldn't sleep, I thought I heard the murmur of a star outside admonishing me. I looked out the curtains and listened to what it had to say best I could- it was soo faint. Then, I realized, this advice was approximately 1200 years old, having been said for another then.boy whose history I now walk on, and kick his dirt.body around, and whose future I am. In what way is this memory relevant to anything?

A_it is a memory completely relevant to the showmanship (which all of us faithful readers know) of your out of this world mind + out of this world writing capabilities...are you trying to show off with this one? I thought this was about me?! ;)
Q_I dislike noisy motorbikes, can you offer a Jungian interpretation of why this is so?

A_I'm glad you brought up the Jungian theory, professor Q. The lucky few who are wise enough to actually understand this theory (aka: me) will explain to you and the rest of the "slower" community a simplified reasoning for this. Basically, the Jungian interpretation explains an individual's childlike fantasies and fears. It is commonly found in people with abnormal dreams. Therefore, the Jungian interpretation of your "dislike" would explain your rooted emotional attachment to sexy animal prints.

Q_A pelican and a swan play a game of texas hold 'em on the banks of a muddy river. At last, the pelican throws her cards into the air (and they are caught in the tree branches above and never fall back down) and exclaims:

____logic without imagination is deceit

Would you:

____ (a) Climb a tree and decode the alchemy of her cards
____ (b) Walk away, devote your life to the scholarly pursuit of translating see-er stones into children's marbles
____ (c) Claim that taxonomy has failed mankind
____ (d) something other, please specify:

A_(e) a swan near a muddy river? You're pulling my leg here!

Q_14 babies sit side by side. 13 are bald, and one has a full head of black hair. The others are certain she's a different species, how would you resolve the disunity?

A_I'd read them all "the ugly duckling." Also, why is the "different one" a "she?" I think I need to work on you first, Q.

Q_If I were to suddenly exclaim: that's what she said!!! give us three possible preceding statements.

A_1. I wish I were Ashley!
2. The Ghetto Blaster writes so well!
and 3. Why is it so small?

Q_20 paces marks the distance between a spider the size of my furry afro and a doorway into a spiderless world. You are positioned precisely equidistant from door and spider. Please outline the noises you might make on the way to the door.

A_There is a process to this:

1. Freezation occurs. Hands flex, slightly set off (6 inches) from my sides while my knees take a slight bend into a half-football stance.

2. The second the evil blood of the hairy devil decides to move the bastard, my previous im-bigger-and-better-than-you-stance turns into a tap dancing, hands flaring, "eeeeeeeeeeekking" mess.

3. I spin in circles for about 15 seconds with my head flared back, occasionally flicking my hands through my hair and brushing off imaginary spiders from the rest of my body. All the while (now grunting) thinking "damn you spider! I hate you and your family." Also "ash, you can do this, just relax!"

4. Once I stop and "collect" myself, I stare at it, have an occasional jolt into dropping to my knees and laughing. Clear hysteria.

5. At this point I call out for someone in the room/house/neighborhood to come get rid of the thing (if they didn't already run to my aid from the previous eeeeking. And/or call someone to come and get rid of it. But in this scenario, im assuming that I am alone in this…

6. Therefore I bang the floor (that's what she said) enough times to try to get the thing to scatter across and away from the door.

7. If that doesn't work, I will brace myself, back up and go for the run and hurdle over and through the door approach. All the while hesitating and then finally running for it screaming & eeeeeking: "I freeeeeaaaaking haaaate you spider!!!!! Ahhhhh"

Q_Translate the following passage into Ashtree:

Sunglass reflects light back towards the sun, lamp, or lover's lips depending on the angle formed by pointed-toes lifted airwards and how deep a heart is buried each time it's broke and since I forgot to unleash it, when I walked away it choked me till I was violet, then pumped its way out from 6 feet under and beat me to the finish with me panting like a plastic dog following the scent of a maestro conducting a symphony I knew by heart without ever hearing: ie namely love.

A_"Woman, get me another beer! And the damn baby's crying again, im trying to watch the game!"

Q_Do you think you're too sexy for your shirt?

A_Um, do you even need to ask?

Q_Magellen, Aristotle, Kernel Sanders, and Count Leo Tolstoy are on team A. Team B consists of: Leonardo Da Vinci, Michael Flatley- Lord of the Dance, Bertrand Russell, and Humbert Humbert. Team A is given: a sextet, a sheet if Egyptian hieroglyphics on a papyrus scroll, and an ipod with no music loaded. Team B is given: a black pen, a drawing done by Mary C. Oswald, 11 year old third-grade student from Welby Way Elementary School, and a translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls into ebonics.

What would team A and team B argue about?

A_Who shot Biggie Smalls?? (if we dont get them they gone get us all, im down for runnin up on them crackaz in they city hall.)

Q_If someone shouts at you very loudly: RELAX! DON'T DO IT! Are you most likely to punch them in the face, do a funky dance, or say in a sexy voice: 2 minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven baby?

A_funky dancing is kinda my thing even without the prerequisite of shouting and my sexy voice is pretty cool, therefore... 2 minutes is better than 1.

Q_Do you hope that somewhere in the deep depths of the black lightless ocean, somewhere, a giant squid really does exist?

A_hope? I dream of him every night.

Q_What exactly is a tiny dancer?

A_your not.yet.daughter in her twirling around in your

Q_You are faced with a text message exhorting you to GET ON IT! What precisely would you get on?

A_1. That's what he said.
2. I'd ask myself why I was text messaging myself?
and 3. Space Mountain.

Q_Bach, Beethoven and Bela Bartok brace as brothers believing in blue basketball bliss. (who would win a best of 3 rock-paper-scissors tournament?)

A_the UCLA graduate

Q_Somebody is playing Rachmaninoff's G-major prelude on the piano as beautifully as it can be played: will it summon an early Spring into existence?

A_Kinda how Britney Spears jump started Summer with her VMA performance? If so, then: YES, most definitely!

1 comment:

Juicebox said...

um. this didn't make any sense. haha.