ICONOCLASMtest(fragments)

____So must we learn in world made as this one
____Man can never attain his greatest desire,
____[But must pray for what good fortune Fate holdeth,
____ Never unmindful.]
____________Sappho








Dakota (hair) 2004, Ryan McGinley

i am (cannot) relax.
i feel pretty (un)good (not too bad actually)
i know exactly where i'm (not) going (how can i know?)
if faith is something that swells, like tides and inflammation, mine has ebbed, and left in its place a bare white knuckle of shiny sand, brutal as cartilage.
i haven't laughed so genuinely in months. i miss seeing my humor reciprocated, amplified...

returning to a place like this, as much as i feel like an unhereperson, notsupposedtobehereperson, an apple in a pickle jar, and so on, it's impossible not to walk past Adelaide High School, the Palace-Nova cinema, the train station, there are streetlights now on this patch of road in the city by the golf-course that never had lights and we'd park there and makeout, CIBO coffee, and not feel historically inside myself... kind of like licking the sediment out of a fossil of your own face, then putting your face into the mold like a mask and feeling how well it fits even though you can't breathe... and now you're not sure what to do anymore.

it's so wonderful to know all the things i am not. (even though that's doesn't tell me what - i - do - am - going - might - once - happen - fall - chance - into - spot - where - kiss-me am.

i am struggling (once again)(it was taken from me)(i gave it away)(i miss it?)(maybe.)(cannot manage it) with the concept of home(less/ful)ness. __homeness.

*__*__*

a table for six. two couples occupy the longer lengths of the rectangular table. Two mochas on one side, two lates on the other. i sit at the head. (tea). we laugh. the number 5 and the word wheel roll through my head.

________ ________SOMEONE: when are you going to find a wife q?
_________________ ___ __ Q: you guys aren't married.
SOMEONE'S ALMOST HUSBAND: might as well be.
___________________ _ _ALL: goodpoint.
______________ _ ___ _ __ Q: i concede. (fine)
_____ _______SOMEONE ELSE: you better hurry up. Actually! NO! don't. You can probably make a mint if you hang around and just wait for us all to have babies, then you can open a little day-care.
[ED: My historical.still best friends number 4. including spouses/partners/significant others, that means on occasion i am the 9th wheel]
_SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND: no way I'm letting you look after my kids.
____________________ _ALL: what! why?
_SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND: I don't want my kids coming home going daddy what does concede mean?... or what else did you say tonight? adjunct?
________________SOMEONE: he said mellifluous as well
SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND: make me look stupid infront of my own kid.
THAT SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND: you don't need help darling.
SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND: exactly. let me look stupid my own way.
____________________ _ALL: [laugh]

*__*__*

you gonna be around a while this time?
__yeah
don't sound too enthusiastic.
__[shrug]
you gotta plan?
__yeah
of course you do. you always do.
__yeah [nods][looks down]

*__*__*

i have it mind to write an essay. it's the one i spoke about in the last post. it's to be called EXILE AND THE KINGDOM (which is a reference to a collection of 6 moderately.notshort short-stories by Camus). you can preview the essay in the last post. But since it's a sort of 'creative-fiction meets critical-analysis' of Ulysses, and the Ulysses posts are always the least popular (which is fair since i don't actually know of anyone that has read Ulysses cover-to-cover)(by the way I'm about 140 pages away!) i guess it won't be too much of a concern for you guys. but i'm excited about it.

OTHER PROJECTS I AM.WAS.WAITING.STILL EXCITED ABOUT (THAT HAVEN'T HAPPENED), A (SHORT) LIST:

____- the (second) novel
____- Bye Bye LA
____- Exile and the Kingdom

*__*__*

people awake.
can't write anymore.
maybe that's why i can't write.
need_more_ALONE time.