spasm

hm, amalia chimera

a new day starts

she's already disliked

she is small compared to dreams

inactive.

just sits there, waiting for me to do everything.

stale-mate, we stare at each other

waiting, expecting and hoping

(for nothing).

*__*__*

i dream my way through days and sleep my way through dreams at night : if one should see me from the surface of the moon i would be smudged like a polaroid : i speak less than i used to : i miss more things because i have more things to miss : and stumble from dream to shining dream and sea to crashing sea and flee to floating nothing and float to fleeing nothing and nothing to floating fleeing and : words are things that i hate because : where did this life now come from, a moment ago it was another, bad and less and more in different ways and quantities : i aspire to be more myself which is to say less what i am not, and i am not what i am which is in itself to say that i don't know where to start, and the trail that started at birth is... _missing : and dream of women who haunt me, and places that haunt me (particular mountains and stone paths and) sounds that haunt me (as we walked across crushed white stones and i swear if ever i knew) and Paradiso is part three of Dante laughing at us, and white faces that haunt me with white knees and white ankles propped up in heels- i remember the shapes and pokes and colors and : how will i how will i how will i how will i : walk late at night, usually more than an hour, often in the rain, i like a wet coat it is ok, and look at stars and nocturnal trees and cars parked and cold and wet and empty and wonder if there's an answer to the questions i haven't learned to ask yet : and also can't write and hate all these words : words are things i hate that because : i am not an auteur. i am not a creative genius. i am not creative. i cannot create : i crash land from hemisphere to hemisphere : i hear the Furies coming again : RUN ORESTES, RUN! : from sea to drowning sea : leaf to falling leaf : future to shining future : home is where the heart isn't : even history has left home, home is left without history or precedent : home is just four letters, it could equally have been meoh hemo omhe omeh and others that sound just the same : others sound just the same, but i dream of : and wake sadder : more tired : and think to myself only one clear thought, and that is