Friday, May 22, 2009

thoughts (fragments)

____If you can't see the stars
____You've probably gone too far

________Stork & Owl, TV On the Radio

untitled, kristina s. b.

in the other cars people talk. laugh. __there must still be things left to be said. (who would have thought).

it starts to rain again- an hour before midnight. __i am relieved, it is too quiet when i sleep alone. (i have developed a paranoid delusion that my five pillows hate me, that one head is simply not enough to satisfy soo many perfectly adequate pillows). sshhh. calm baby, slow down. slow down.

"what's the feeling like?, is it like being trapped, i felt like that today, and thought of you."
"something like that."
"how like that, tell me about it."
"i don't feel like talking."
"you never feel like talking."
"yes, like being trapped. but not life, life is fine, i don't have a problem with life. __it's... me. i feel trapped as myself."
"who else could you be?"
"i think the options should be endless."

Erik Satie, Gymnopedie #1.
the thing is, it starts with this moment of exquisite beauty, then loses itself. almost immediately, it's gone. you sit and listen, and think: 'did that really happen, did i just hear that?' and it wanders around. feeling it's way from key to key. looking; maybe for the rest of that moment, maybe for something equivalent to continue with. and then, again, (like having a troubled relationship but these infrequent moments, sparse kisses, or eye-stares that shine through all... that, and remind you what it once was- what it still might be underneath). again the episode in b minor. your heart clenches an extra touch too tight when it contracts. and then it's as lost as ever. can't even find the right place to end. when it ends, you think: 'nonono. poor dear. soo much potential, never knew how to drive it home'.

(i'm soo worried sometimes).

i am regaining my powers. i'm not sure what that means yet. i'm not sure at all. but... i sense within me an old brazenness returning. last night she kissed me on the cheek. "that was nice, again." (she obliges). "still nice, again please." (she laughs, obliges). "make a lonely man happy, once more" (she does, but i turn my head __we're lost in midair __land almost lip to lip, she holds it, i hold it, she's kissing more cheek than lip, i'm kissing just the side of her mouth. __she leans back with a mischeivous smile. "oh you're teasing. nice." she smiles, takes a step backwards away from me. i'm still holding her hand. i kiss it and say "very well, i release you- for now." she continues to stare at me as she takes steps backwards away.

__- play something. please?
__- yesyes.
__- please it's been ages since you played for me.
__- i've been working on some new pieces for you actually.
__- honestly, for me?
__- honestly, yes. [i'm not lying, i did learn them for her]
__- well you haven't wanted to hangout in soo long.
__- you never answer your phone.
__- i'm soo sorry, i just... i'm one of those people who doesn't pay any attention to their phone.
__- it's ok. i like playing for you. you enjoy it more than most people, and that means i enjoy playing for you more than most people.
__- can i come over sometime?
__- of course, you are always welcome.

everyone is trying to analyze me. too many questions. it's been ceaseless for a few days. but i am evolving. remembering how to dodge. how to nurture my dichotomoies. how to avoid demonstrating how irational a person i really am. mostly, i am learning how to laugh, how to joke and be light and contain all the myselfness to just a look in my eye. i've confined it all there. there are two black holes in my pupils, other than that you'd never guess what goes on inside me. you'd never see any of it, you'd just think i was charming, and a little crazy, and sometimes distant because there are other, better planets i'd rather be on. __(and that's true).


Anonymous said...


I won't presume much here as I understand that once one colors runs outside the lines, there are literally an infinite amount of directions to go. But if you will forgive me a small presumption, I presume that you enjoy the soft weight of eyes on your words. Which is what I have sought to establish with this comment.

On an unrelated note if you have not read "the unbearable lightness of being," by Milan Kundera, I think perhaps you would enjoy it. Enjoyment is a small thing I know, but it is something.



a penny for the old guy said...

dear MM,

your comments are always a delight.

i must read it, it is on my list- my ever growing list.

enjoyment is a small thing, but there are smaller things. and it is sweet even if it comes in strange and sometimes unforgiving wrapping.