Friday, July 3, 2009

dextroamphetamine (fun with drugs pt 1)

"what do you mean?"
"mom! it's weird. i used to pay a lot of money and feel really guilty to feel like this, now i get it for free and doctors encourage me to use it."
"you feel guilty?"

____yes. (7pm)
i'm driving home. i shouldn't have said that. yeah. shouldn't have. he did give me an odd look. totally shouldn't have said that. i think he was a bit unhappy. i don't know though. hard to tell. they had been drinking, so... maybe didn't even notice it. oh. damn. you forgot to print that tutorial stuff off. yeahyeah. soon as i get home. also trash is collected tomorrow. empty the bins. really, was it that funny a look? i think so. maybe. also, maybe not. could be anything. crap. dammit. you do this everyday.

____maybe. (8:30pm)
again? why not. i need to test this thing out. get used to it. also i'm tired. exhausted. i've gotten soo thin, i look kinda gross. whatever, who cares. what if cops pull you over again?, they could tell. you're catastrophizing again. she gave you that article to read about spotting 'negative thinking patterns'. right right. no reason for that. maybe i should just stay in. no. why? cause. i'm tired. exhausted. anything could happen. screw it. screw it? totally. another? yes. 2. go. now. water. no thinking, just go. [gulp]

____no. (9:15pm)
i'm staring at the road. red is red. there, in the distance. green now. easy. quiet. how quiet everything is. i slow down, she jumps in. "i want to tell you about how i'm feeling right now."
"it's soo quiet."
"yes, but also, in my head. it's weird. it's quiet. it's just what it is."
"what iss it?"
"green is green. red is red. i am listening to you. also i am speaking. there is nothing else. everything else is distant. far away. it's the oddest feeling." [it feels like nothing's chasing me]
"that's good right?"
"other things too. my skin's tingling. if you touch me it's pleasant. touch me please."
[she pats my arm and leaves her hand there a little while]
"yes. like that. it's very pleasant. i feel... can i just say this: everything will be ok. did you know that?"
"that everything will be ok?"
"yeah. did you know?"
"oh my god you're soo weird right now."
"yesyes, i know, but, i just feel like... school is school. and... __stuff is stuff. red is red. i'm in this car. i'm listening to you. and i'm formulating my words. that's all that is happening.__ there is nothing else happening. i feel soo... __have you ever taken extasy or anything?"
"No Q!"
"ok. so you have nothing to compare it to. uhm. i love you. i'm resisting this strange urge right now to high-text (as opposed to drunk text) everyone i know and tell them i love them. i love everything.

_______i want to smile at everyone."
"that's great Q... right?"
"i dont' know. at first it felt wrong. like it did when i was younger. and... i only ever did it because of the way it made me feel. __it made me... the person i always wished i was. i loved everyone. i'd do anything for them. i smiled. everything would be ok. life was wonderful. i just wanted to dance and smile and... __just that really."
"so what's the problem?"
"well. at first i was thinking, oh no. i'm high. i don't know how it's happened but the universe has conspired to... get me high."
"do you think though, this is what occured to me, i was speaking to my mom, she just wanted to check-in and see how i was feeling with everything, and it occured to me... maybe this is what the rest of the world feels like all the time? like... in their heads it's this quiet. and they're... i'm just soo happy with myself sitting in this chair right now. i'm really happy you're with me. i'm... ok with it. __it's friday. great. whatever. __saturday's tomorrow- we'll deal with it tomorrow. you know?"
"i think so..."
"i'm saying, it's soo hard to judge what 'normal' is. i've only ever been inside my own head. it's noisy there. and everything is a little bit complicated, and problematic. and right now- it's not. and... i'm starting to think, for the first time in a forever long time, maybe this is the person i was always supposed to be. i was supposed to be as calm as i am now. __i'm a great person did you know that?"
[laughs] "Q!, of course you are!"
"i know that now. because right now... i swear,__ i searched within myself, i couldn't find a single bad intention. a single bad thought about any one or any thing. i'm just... i hope everything goes well for everyone. that's all i want. that's what makes me a good person. right now i'm soo happy about that. with it. me."
"this is... i don't know what to say."
"i think it's a problem of standards. what's the standard? i mean, who says what the norm is for normal-in-your-head-volume. no one can measure that."
"what are you thinking?"
"i'm not. i'm just looking. and absorbing the feeling of... wow"
"it's contentment."

____definately not. (1:20am)
i get out my car. it's cold. it's a weird feeling. when i move into cold environments my skin tingles too- like i've been touched all over. i look at the moon. no thoughts. just... this white orb. some stars. this incredible white light. what silence. key in lock. door closes. door opens. lights on. if there are beasts i do not know of them. i see... chairs. carpet. how wonderful my room looks. soo pleasant. i change. the feel of softer fabrics against my skin, i feel suddenly at home. that immediate comfort. i sit. silent. unafraid. silent. silent. silent. my god.
______________________________________________how strange the sound

1 comment:

capone said...

what if gravity is not what we think it is?