experiments in the destruction of language [i hate exams pt1]

truth i am still upset very much so after dinner we kiss and she says you really need to study don't you looking at me like obviously who cares about study when there is a world where night is made of skin and tea and pillows and

__[this music is the insanity of all insanity- minimal bleepy darkdark slides slick as washing-machine detergent water, sort of passing through life a million miles a minute giving a cursory glance at everything you ought to know better to leave behind to ignore forget if there is a sound like this in the universe then super duper yay hurrah let's just throw our clothes off and dance just you and i and whoever and also whoever else like epileptics in the street and on cars howling and raging and i myself am soo damn lost can't tell coconut from remote control__]

i'm still looking at her thinking i shouldn't be looking because looking is the thing that got me into this in the first place. i kiss her once on each cheek and then her lips. i go to pull away and she grabs my head, one hand on each cheek and pushes her tongue in my mouth and i respond ofcourse ofcourse who doesn't/wouldn't/you'd be crazy, and i'm lost again (there's no wind where i'm lost to) and i open my eyes, and she smiles and she says

__[no one seems to understand it's not music it'snot it'snot it's my little way out of this smalltime no-name never-heard-of ME (who da hell is that anyway?. it's sonically engineered for me to lose my sh*t so nothing is the same - in the library i lean back in my chair and exhale and put both hands up in the air with fingers slightly separated oh god Q's trippin again Ashley says to Dave and Dave laughs go boi!! i smile my headphones still on slowly leaning from one side to the other about eight times slower than the music's going because it's like insect noises when you can listen you can hear__]

outside it's all spring evening and springlike - she doesn't say anything, she just looks at me. go study, it's ok. i kiss her eyelid. i think i like that more than she does but i like it a ton if not more so i do it all the time anyway. i hate you by the way she says as i step out her garage and she presses the button and the door starts to close on me good thing we're just friends she says with a cheeky smile she knows cause i told her the day she decides we're friends is the day i delete her number i have too many friends.

__[otherwise there must be a redeeming feature to this room it's not the coffee table full of books and empty tea-mug and half-filled water bottle and pens and paper with scribbles and a little bottle of dexamphetamine and the music makes it all seem useless and limp in the shower i danced a little to it i had it up loud and it reminded me of plutonium or a ritual fire-dance or the death and toil of too much youth without a place to go__]

i stare at the phone. or my car keys. the other morning i get home at 10, you just getting home now he says with a smile on his face, and i, exhausted and exhausted nod still in pyjamas and suddenly feeling very alone you just get up? i rub my eyes no, been up since 8 i say, but morning's a great time for kissing greater if not est - why are you hugging the wall, turn around she says and takes my hand and i turn soo sleepy-eyed i can't tell Post-Colonialism from pepsi-cola, eventually it occurs to me outside somewhere there's an exam with my name on it.

he's too intense.
_really?
yeah.
_how so?
i don't know. just is.
_i'm surprised you don't think i'm too intense.
you?
_yeah.
but you're always joking around with me.
[it's true, all we do is tease each other]
_guess so.
[nods]

_don't hate me.
why not?
_i'm going to kiss you more later.
i'll stop hating you for a little while then so you can kiss me later.
_i can live with that.
that's all you get.

c'mon q. gotta study. gotta gotta.
there's no pill in the world that can make me focus.