Halloween

no, i can't have feelings right now. i'm serious. i took a dexie just to come out, just so... i don't wanna deal with it ya know?
i nod. i haven't had a feeling in months i tell her. i cannot smile as i say it.
so where are you gonna be for semester break?, i'm gonna be around, we should do a trip or something, the two of us.
i nod. yah. yah, maybe. we always say we're gonna hang.
i know. but then one of us ends up seeing someone.
did you guys break up?
yah.
oh.
yah.
sorry.
yah [shrug].
___i'm seeing someone.
ha.


*___*___*

a girl in a short white skirt and a sailor cap sits sideways in his lap. he squeezes her and her dress rides up. her knee-high socks end and it's just skin. three girls sit besides me on one couch and pretend not to notice. two guys and a girl sit besides me on the other couch and cheer and laugh. i look to a girl, she looks at me. funny, usually you have to give your credit card number to see a show like this. she wasn't amused by that. so what are you dressed up as? i ask. pipi-longstalking she says. and points to her braided hair and mismatched knee-high socks. she looks nothing alike. oh yeah, how'd i miss that. she nods, then asks me what i'm dressed up as. oh, no, this is how i normally dress. i'm just me tonight. she smiles awkwardly and looks away, bumping her vision into the couple on second base, and then looks to the floor. i stare at her and enjoy her discomfort a moment because i'm not affected at all. someone sneaks up on the couple making out and poses, a picture is taken. i hear whistling. besides me Juno shakes her head, oh god, and puts her head on my shoulder.


*___*___*

two bumblebees. their friend is dressed like a fireman and she rubs herself against me. on the stage a darkskinned guy sweats in a lycra Robin suit. Batman's not far from him, tongue down a fairy's throat. (the third fairy tonight). the strobe comes on and off irregularly. just a flash here, then, who can tell when the nex- goddam it. there it is. a boyscout. a boxer. the sixth Michael Jackson i've seen. Mr. T grasps Cleopatra's boobs from behind. strobe. strobe. ... .. strobe. .. , strobe. i can't take it, it feels like an involuntary subliminal reprogramming of my brain. i shut my eyes tight but open them in time for another flash. f*ck this, i walk off the dancefloor.


*___*___*

__- because you don't look like you can pull it off.
__- f*ck you i can't pull it off!, yes i can.
__- i don't think so. you're just not... devilish enough.
she's actually annoyed. i don't really care. i don't even know what i'm saying, i was having a nice conversation with a female Where's Wally and i'm sorry to have been interrupted by she-devil.
__- so you are trying to tell me you're the last honest man alive?
yes i say.
__- i am the only person left who will answer anything you ask me honestly, for better or worse. and make no mistake, it gets me into a lot of trouble.
__- i bet
__- [nod]
__- fine, so... what's the craziest sexual escapade you've ever done?
oh god.
__- why does everyone... why is everyone soo... concerned with... sex! seriously, for the sake of the world, i think we need to have once-a-month orgy days. i mean it. on the 12th day of every month, if you step outta your house between the hours of 3 and 9 in the pm, then, it's fair game, you just get it on with everyone else that's walking about. [she's laughing, you're crazy!] no way dude, people are too preoccupied with this, the world just needs a once-a-month orgy day to let loose and get sum'sum' [two girls in nurse uniforms covered in splattered blood stains, and with speckles of blood on their faces walk past. excuse me i say, you two are incredible they don't really smile back they just give me blank stares for a second i think maybe it's not an outfit at all. seriously, the short-skirted nurse outfit and the gore... totally turning me on.
__- So, are you gonna answer my question? [the nurses take this opportunity to move away
__- __what? ___oh.__ right, __well, this one time, it started on


*___*___*

as i walk towards the exit a girl jumps in my path and puts her arms around me. i move in time with her. curiosity gets the better of me, i want to see what she'll do. the answer comes as soon as i think it, without hesitation her lips on my cheek, a thick tongue, i pull back sorry, i have a girlfriend. she looks soo disappointed i actually feel bad. oh, sorry she says but i've already started walking on. a Buddhist monk. a football player. a girl with a zoro-mask.

i stop at the bottom of the stairwell. staring at the street beyond. i hate leaving. it scares me. the drive home, the sounds the car makes. twitching at red lights. how quiet it is when you finally turn the car off in the driveway. empty houses. three am. undressing. brushing teeth. i feel nauseous. anxious. a caveman shoulders me aside and walks on. i lean on the wall. Minnie Mouse screams QQQQQqqq!!! i look up, she's waiting in the line to get in.


*___*___*

which reminds me, do you still have the dexies?
yah.
give me some?
sure.
are you still taking them?
breakfast lunch and dinner. haven't made a joke or felt a thing in months.
oh god, perfect.
why'd you breakup?
he did.
he's leaving anyway right?
yeah yeah blah blah, people say that, but it's not soo easy in practice.
of course not. in practice it's a bitch.
[nods] just want to block it out till it all blows over.
sounds like a fair strategy.
works for you?
rather, makes me work - __function, ... youknowwhatimean.


*___*___*

wet streets.
everywhere teenagers in the streets.
naked skinny legs and shoes dangling from hands.
clouds part to show a yellow eye. circular tooth in the sky.
aged bone.
the car... silence.
empty house.
garbage bins are still by the sidewalk, i roll them in.

function, ... youknowwhatimean. (let's go Q, get on with it.

i walk towards the door.