thoughts (fragments)

yes, but, i don't know either. but here we are. besides me Chad leans over the balcony and shakes his head side to side to the beat. i meant to dance. i certainly intended to. but right now i'm stupefied. i notice my hands clenched into fists. some people have smiles on their faces, talk to one another and jump around. but when i look over the landing it's largely people standing still . rocking gently side to side. incapacitated by the music. a slick muscular chugging. space-age beasts. every so often i wipe the sweat off my forehead. people bump into me frequently. has alot to do with my having my head down. eyes closed. the light rocking. they just assume i'm high. no one cares about bumping another kid off his face on ex at a rave. __i'm not though. i'm in a strange communion-state. sending out ESP signals to whoever else needed to be here tonight. needed. whoever needed a jump start. anybody out there who needed to slam themselves up and down for three hours to remind themselves they're actually alive? i see a few people. there's a kid standing by the stairs. he doesn't really dance. bops with his neck. has a messenger bag. eye-glasses. __he's a trainspotter. they're a new-breed of academic tracklist/sample spotters. you seem them sometimes with notebooks, marking down what tunes the DJs playing. afterward they get online and argue about samples and loops and whose re-edit (s)he played at 1:32. they're good too. make most graduate-students writing about the Wasteland look like fools.

a massive reverb, hovers and grows. a huge swirling indecipherable noise. fades away and there's a new beat underneath, having snuck through the fallen leaves of the last track. the people up the front jump up and down. this blond to my left lets the guy she's with sneak his hand into her dress. Chad turns to me with an overwhelmed look on his face, mouths what IS this? i smile. a monster. he shakes his head, one arm goes up. i close my eyes and drop my head again, take a step back so the rail can hold me up. head side to side. music made of bombs, i'll be damned. i shiver through the next break and when the beat kicks back in i can't help a semi-coordinated seizure.


*___*___*

__- what is it about those movies though?
__- i thought it was depressing.
__- for sure, but what do we love seeing about the world exploding like that?
__- ... you think it's true? __all that Mayan calendar stuff?
__- not i. no. __but i suppose everybody's got to believe in something, right?
__- [shrug]
__- you think the Mayan's were on to something?
__- no. i don't think so.


*___*___*

i think my once-were-friends are going out tonight. i don't get notice anymore. it's a fair assumption i suppose, i haven't been out with them in months. it doesn't hurt, but dear god, make it worth it, i'm putting everything into this semester, if i don't get the results i need i'm going to be... ___unconcerned actually. i'll have tried. sincerely. can't do more than that.


*___*___*

dear 2009,

i noticed the other day you were coming to an end. what an oddity you were. i've become rather reflective over the last week or so. trying to piece together... everything. where we started and where we're at now. looking at leaves in gutter-streams and trying to discover their motion that led them here. runes.

the year of miracles might be too strong a name. maybe... up for air. a year for air. even so, i sit here having eaten a can of tuna at midnight and mcdonald's pancakes for breakfast and nothing in between. (a coffee at 3pm). my heart beats soo fast and i sleep after the sun's come up. there's paper everywhere. i have $6 in my bank account. still. still. i've managed to forget everything of the past, and i'm not the least bit scared of the future. that seems to be a victory of gargantuan proportions. to have severed myself from all alternative selfs. to just... drift along. a phantasm in the library. in a car. on my couch at home. it's been a solidifying year. a year where things have mostly felt real. in place. walls you can trust enough to lean on. that's a feeling i haven't had for years. a miracle right there.

of course i've watched too few movies and read too few books. i made a whole menu of new friends but lost most of them through neglect this semester. not to worry. friends always manage to find their ways back into our lives.

i don't know what to say to you 2009. i'm going to think about it. maybe we can have a chat about it all later.


*___*___*

i believe in redemption. at this point, it's one of the only things i still believe in. of course, i have no idea what that concept looks like in its entirety. sometimes you taste certain things, or sense oddities inside yourself. you get intimations of it. but it's not like in movies. and that's fine. i'm happy with shards and threads of it. one day you look back and everything's some place, just as you left it, the mayhem in your wake. but it's different. less glare. less dust. its like someone pulled the force and fear out from under shadows. now it's just... a room. just light. just open windows and the sound of whatever's outside. the world. nothing more. that to me is a decent basis for redemption. beyond that i guess it's an each-to-their-own type of thing.


*___*___*

the future is comin on
is comin on
is comin on

is comin on