in this life

R002-037, fatale femmes


in this life i have been a student. i have been a failure. i have received phonecalls that made me proud. once i fell asleep in a park at sunset. more than once i've slept on trains. on buses. in this life i have danced around my coffee table all alone at 3am. there was a streak, 36 days in a row i was up to see sunrise come and go. in this life i have had car accidents. constructed bookshelves with my own hands. in this life i have wasted hours pretending to read while i listened to rain. in this life i have used words to try and explain the meanings of the very words i was using. i fail consistently at that. once in this life i came first at something. but only once. in this life i played video games, memorized song lyrics, and wore oversized cardigans. in this life i have been a coffee barrista. an audio-visual technician. a brother. in this life i have changed diapers, pushed wheelchairs, carried disabled angels up stairs into white hallowed rooms. for six hours of this life i was a telemarketer. for six weeks i was in love. for 2 years of this life i crawled back out. in this life i was a physicist. a math tutor. a piano teacher. in this life i played mad world backstage on the piano and tried to sing until i heard giggling from behind a door. in this life i have dreamt of being an NBA all-star, a Nobel Laurette, a world-famous international DJ/producer, a hobo. in this life i have been operated on. cut into. i have been a failed medical student, a successful applicant, a miserable resume drafter. in this life i have run on treadmills for hours till my muscles have stung. in this life i have walked to the beach at 5am in Haifa because it was the only time the air was fresh. i have wheezed and coughed-up black stuff in Shanghai. in this life i have had one water fight. in this life i have felt out of place. have felt organic and seamless. have held hands. in this life i have collected books, basketball cards, mp3s, white oxford button-up shirts, black pens. in this life i have read prayers i have sometimes meant. i have had therapists break-up with me. i have been lost in outback paddocks with nothing in my headlights but rabbits. i have eaten pork feet. in this life i have repeated mistakes. i have fasted. i have taken drugs and danced and misunderstood for several hours that life was about love. maybe had finally understood. in this life i have cried on airplanes. once on a telephone to a friend who knew what to say. in this life i have never missed a flight. never been stung by a bee. in this life i have made friends with old people and with children who called me Q-cumber. i have spent months sleeping on the floor, with my cheek to the carpet and living out of a small weekend bag and rotating through the same three tshirts. in this life i have burnt my tongue on tea and gossip. in this life i have collected memories i shifted and sweetened for years after. in this life i have worn bow ties. skin tight acid wash jeans. shirts soo baggy they came to my knees. in this life i have been a 10 year old secret agent. a 21 year old octogenarian. an unconscious poet. a gym junkie. a playboy. a fool. in this life i have gotten blowjobs on beaches and given them in dingy nightclubs. i have spent nights in backseats and in $300 a night hotel suites. in this life i spent a week going to the movies everyday trying to outrun myself. till i ran out of things to see. i have walked in art galleries. in Paris. i have slammed my head against walls all night out of loneliness and lust. i have taken medications to clear my mind that drained it instead. i have eaten strawberries too large to be natural. in this life i have gone 60 hours without sleep. in this life i have given bad advice, and gotten good advice in return. in this life i have friends i believe are my friends. in this life i know people's hair can be red even when it's not and freckles come and go just to keep me on my toes. this life has been exhausting. in this life i have framed photographs and organized travel itineraries. i have attended funerals where i stood in corners and refused to speak. in this life i have been hopeful and hopeless. i have discovered emotions there are no words for, and words that are soo true they hook into the gums emotions like fish. in this life i have lost chess pieces. lost chess games. lost best friends and phone-numbers and too-good-to-be-true opportunities. in this life i have believed in god. have hated god. have had no need for god. have reconsidered that position. i have drank too much tea. have been rated out of 10. have been told i am not good enough. in this life i have saved pictures people drew for me. in this life i have surpassed my father's expectations and disappointed my mother. sometimes neither, sometimes both. i have missed weddings i should have been at. in this life i have been too scared to play spin-the-bottle. in this life i have hated myself. i have spent too long doing that. in this life i have been soo angry my fingers shake. so sad i couldn't speak. so happy my chest hurt. in this life i have been saved, too often, i have not discerned from what. in this life i have been an honours student and a drop out. i have been a good waiter at a bad restaurant and a bad barman in a dirty bar no one could have told the difference. i have licked the tongues of girls i hadn't said a word to. in this life i have loved sunday. green pens. vintage muscle cars. vanilla icecream. in this life i have been nothing but confused.

in this life i have tried my best to be human.
whatever that means.