thoughts (fragments)

'Manas, we went through the repentance business yesterday. I told you what I thought. I won't do it. I appeared before an officially consituted tribunal, before a branch of the law. Before that secular tribunal I pleaded guilty, a secular plea. That plea should suffice. Repentance is neither here nor there. Repentance belongs to another world, to another universe of discourse.'

____from Disgrace, JM Coetzee






gelbes licht by suzy yes


RAGING LAMB

it's after the pills wear off that it dawns on me. after the pills are gone and i've slept for 4, maybe 5 days straight. wake to eat, then collapse again, 8 hours on my couch after breakfast till my mother wakes me and i've slobbered and there's a plate with my breakfast on it within arms reach, and i've brushed my teeth and dazed and hazy-brained stumbled to my bed for another 10 hours till i wake some day maybe the next one maybe the one after with a god awful back ache and had another bowl of eggs and collapsed on my couch read half a chapter then wake up it's midnight; ____after all that; ____and after the books are packed away and the scraps of paper all over the floor from where i've wrote-learnt pages and pages of facts and section numbers and mind-maps of this and that, and the bathroom is vacuumed and the bedsheets are washed, and my heart-rate slows back down to nearly acceptable levels, after all that;

________then i notice what we're left with.

our parents bitching at each other or divorcing or both or neither; sitting in cars in traffic jams while the heat affects us in waves like a pendulum, or the ebbs and flow of tides so you can feel periodic rampages growing inside, subsiding for a second, then, tick (it returns), tock (it goes), tick (it returns), tock (it goes), each time coming holding a knife or a piece of wood to pummel you with, bludgeoning the final gasps out of another idle tuesday with too many errands that aren't your problem made your problem and the stench of burning rubber as they do roadworks and your ears filled with screams and paranoiac moanings of incapacitated family members once and for all you'd like to see locked within the confines of a silent film from the 30's or behind prison glass or whatever other medium can be devised with a mute button.
____by 10am my eyes are heavy and i keep dropping the fork, when no one's looking i take a pill to get me through till midday. the narcolepsy gives me the finger but at least i can drive without being a health hazard.

after the haze of drug crammed exam weeks and law competitions and folders full of papers read and remembered and noted and recalled and forgotten and oh yeah! remembered again just in time, woken again out of my 12 week comatose obsessive-compulsive dream, life is exactly what i remember it being: the bitchings and moanings of our hopeless mothers and deluded fathers and disabled sisters with their heavy anchors wrapped around our necks calling in their debts which somehow always manage to be unpaid.

________fu&* this.


*___*___*

THINGS I WROTE IN MY WILLS&ESTATES EXAM, A LIST:

"... with the estate vested in the custody of the Masters of the Court of Chancery..."

"... the Court likely regard it as a matter of omnia ritte esse acta praesumuntur..."

"... s 59 has been said to have 'obliterated the anachronisms and anomalies of the former law."

"... rather, to paraphrase Salmond J in Re Allen, the provision that 'a just & wise father' would feel it his obligation ... the High Court, sadly, not been wise in being too just."


*___*___*

even if the nightmares subsist, there's still the future-fear. i can't remember the last time i noticed the moon. there is no air. this is not working for me. i am going to get coffee and breathe air and read.
bye.