Thursday, June 17, 2010

a letter/convo

this is awkward. i feel like we haven't seen each other in so long. come here. sit, sit, please, __sit. it's strange to see you, ya know what i mean, like - visuallysee that's what i mean.

____________ha!, really?, that's what you think? ____Wow.
no. No way.
i've been good. sure sure, good enough, can't complain, all's well that ends in a box, something like that, that's what they say isn't it?, ____all's well that Ends.

____yah, but you know when you haven't spoken to someone for so long? it gets harder and harder to pick it up again. it's the same with anything, it's the same with siblings, exes, old once-were-best-friends.
__no, ____not quite. ____not quite anyway.
what can i tell you about, __what do you wanna hear about? i haven't been harpooning whales or anything. ______________no no, ______Oh you know how the rumour mill works.

you don't? ha.

don't be silly. but truthfully, it's not nice to complain to people you haven't seen or heard from in ages. it's just bad form. better to smile through it. yah yah, all good. no, of course not. nice to see you. then you walk out, exhale, and mope your sorry ass back home, know what i mean?
HA! yeah. __heaps funny.

no. it's hard to explain why i didn't.
people are mistaken when they say words and inspiration and stuff, that it comes from within. i find that... not so. __not necessarily anyway. __sometimes sure. it just wells up and you gotta run to someone, or a diary or a netcafe in Vienna and just start going vrrrrrom a million miles a second. ________yah. ________me neither. __________not for ages anyway. it's just been... this silent space. empty rooms i'm tired of being empty.
ah, but you get accustomed to it. you try it. i mean it. you try it. take an armchair and an ipod and climb down into an empty swimming pool. just chill there for like 8 months. you come out something altogether new. ____not a freak. __i didn't!, ______i didn't use that word anyway.

what the hell, __yah, Something very much like that. like a life-sentence finally done. or... Gilligan back on the street he grew up in. it's just weird. you're strange when you've been alone for that long. you keep waiting for the walls to say something back. or... it's noisy and it's stressful when people are around.

____no, no, ____i'm not blaming you. no, i'm just saying ,
after you get accustomed to it, it's a little hard to then pick up the phone one day, or sit behind a computer and write and be like... yo, hello. ya know?

maybe. maybe that's it.
it's hard not to drift in and out of yourself. it's not lunacy.
ok fine, maybe it is.
all the scrabble in the world i still can't pick out the right word for when i need it. ____felicitous? is that what i was ... ______oh. ____oh, rightright.


lost. yah.
hungry too, but with no appetite.
roller coaster. up and down, never know which wind you'll get.
music's too loud or too soft,
heater's too high or there's no air,
can't keep my neck up straight - hey hand me the, ____yah,thanks

____those are dreams that were his eyes.
forget the pearls, i'm talking about things that... ________No, No ,, you can't.
you just can't hold on to this stuff.

body sinks in and out of space. half the time,
not sure about alternative universes, i'm sure it's not quite so outlandish as that.

__________yah maybe.
____________________i've kinda picked that up. ______yah :: no, totally, definately best not to trust decisions you make at 4am.

ohm'god, i had this thing on the other day, couldn't sleep, at 4 kinda picked out what to wear and ironed it and put it aside. yah yah. ah, you walk past the closet 14 times you think you might as well get it sorta. ______anyway, get couple hours sleep, wake up,
feeling like... __like..., i don't know, Lady Lazarus or something,
get dressed leave the house.
couple hours later, when i've recovered most my cognitive faculties ____!! ____I KNOW!
________________right, exactly



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