Saturday, August 14, 2010

letter to my iphone predictive text

dear iPhone predictive text,

I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, and, i'm an understanding guy. I know life has its bumpy moments. We can't always agree. I know that. What's important to me is that we always treat each other with dignity and respect. And that we always take the time out to listen, and to understand where the other is coming from. I think if we could have managed that, we'd never have reached this point.

Admittedly, we spend lots of time together. We work together. We play together. We dream together. It might be too much. Maybe I've smothered you with all my attention. I'm sorry. You are beautiful. I can't stop looking at you. And I want to touch you all the time. I know, it's soppy. I hate public displays of affection same as you.

But, my dearest. Alas. You just don't understand me. After all this time, you still don't understand when I mean to say 'biatch' and when i mean to say 'bitch'. You're a smart girl, you're always proving to me how smart you are. But you still don't get it, sometimes i really do mean 'yo'. Sometimes i actually do want to say 'ya'. I've asked you to learn these things. Repeatedly. Remember a few months back?, when we were having that issue over 'babs'? And I thought we resolved that. But today, you're back again, everytime I say 'babs' you jump in with 'baba'. Which is fine, I know sometimes I say 'baba'. But, when I've just spoken, and clearly I've said 'babs', why can't you just leave it? Why do you always feel the need to correct me? I feel like... you hate everything I say. Like you think I'm an idiot or something. Do you? Do you think I'm a 10 thumbed moron who can't spell? I'm sorry. I know I've let you down by sometimes using words that aren't included in the cheap version of the OED you have for a brain. I hate myself for it. But, please try and understand: I'm not perfect. Sometimes I want to fit in, so I use words like 'dickf*ck'. And I need you to sympathize with me when I do that. Just like I put up with your annoying red-underlining all my words back in American english. It's ok. I know you can't help your imperialist dominating hegemony 'liberator of the masses' perspective of the world. I'm just another guy who knows what a 'fortnight' is. But I put up with you don't I? I put up with that. And yet, you don't want to be a friend when I'm just trying to fit in with the kool kids and so i type something like 'kool'.

My love, this is hard for me to do. But.

It's over.

Love the rest of you always,


Mona Capone: said...

facetime = brilliance. must do it.

Tweeter Games said...

Whoa! Heartbreaking :`-(

I hope it never comes to that with me and my Samsung galaxy S.