shaken & stirred

two days i woke up sullen. (what? no. she said. sullen? no. you're grumpy. you're depressed.) in the end we settled on glum. there was no reason for it. none that i noticed when i woke up. slightly odd dreams maybe, but isn't that a dream's nature?

day after i was fine.

today i was a little 'off' again. drove an hour, had no idea where we were when i finally relinquished the driver seat to be a passenger and stare out the window at passing whatevers and think of nothing.

"i think it's fine."
"what's fine about it? i've been off my pills a week. i was fine. then one day i wake up 'glum', and the next i'm soo lethargic i can't stay on my feet for more than twelve minutes."
"Q, you go 14 weeks barely sleeping -
"i sleep!"
"no. not regularly. you start something and you don't stop till it's done, even if it takes 22 hours to do it."
"i do not."
"how long did you spend on the international law assignment?"
"26 hours"
"PPT?"
".... 21"
"was that in one sitting?"
"yes."
"point proven. you don't sleep regularly. same with food. you kinda look up from time to time and think oh, it's 6, i haven't eaten today. then what do you do? you eat two cans of tuna and go back to your desk."

my body feels... confused. isn't sure when to be awake, when to sleep. my muscles are diffuse around the edges. i've lost my sharp lines. my eyes are always half closed. my mind's blurry and i get lost in thoughts. when i come into the room i'm informed my shower lasted 54 minutes. i'm tired all the time but can't sleep anyway. never hungry. or maybe i am hungry. i can't tell. i run two and a half laps and i can't tell if i'm having trouble breathing or if i'm bored or why i suddenly feel a terrible need for a bathroom. i read three paragraphs of anything before i'm distracted.

my body has mutinied.
might be time to settle her down a little.