introit & two stories

i watched Harry Potter with a 9 year old and was more scared than she was. PS if the animated scene about the 3 brothers didn't blow your mind then please take this opportunity to go shoot yourself in the face twice, once where each eye should be. it's not a matter of taste it's just that yours are obviously dysfunctional which is totally ok but not point keeping them if they're feeding you mistaken signals.

STUPID THINGS YOU SAY TO RANDOM PEOPLE (USUALLY CHICKS) WHEN YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DAY OFF YOUR MEDS IN WEEKS AND CAN'T FEEL YOUR LEGS ANYMORE, TWO STORIES:

_____(i) first story
i'm staring at my phone as i say this while i eat a McDonald's cheeseburger, inside a gourmet burger place named Grill'd. hi says i, hi says she.
- as you can see i'm nomnoming a McDonald's cheeseburger in your fine establishment. i just want you to know this is nothing personal, i much rather be ordering a burger from you. only that my bromance movie date and i are having a domestic about whether we can take a Grill'd burger into the movies. and this is where you tell me i did the right thing buying a cheeseburger from McDonald's. [spoken about a mile a minute]
- actually, i've gotten food from here in. just gotta be a bit sneaky with it.
- i used to like you. i walked in and i thought, wow, there's someone i can have a meaningful friendship with. now look what you've done.
- [she smirks] so what you're saying is you can't have meaningful relationships with people who disagree with you?
- honesty is for masochists not lovers my dear how about i order now?
- sure
- [reading off the text message sent to me] may i please have one Grill'd burger with brie.
- sure
- and no retard tomatoes.
- what?
- don't blame me i'm just reading what it says here it says 'no retard tomatoes' and i want to be a responsible friend who orders responsibly for his friends. so make sure there are no retard tomatoes in the burger, is that cool?
- sure. i don't know if we have any retard tomatoes today, i'll just put in normal ones
- NOOoo!
- [she laughs] i'm not retarded, i know what you mean.
- ok fine we'll be deep and meaningful friends again. you've really come through for me today, how can i repay you?
- that'll be $13.50
- very good.

_____(ii) second story
10 minutes before story (i) happened, i walked towards a mobile phone accessories stand in the mall to get a cover for my newly acquired iPhone4. as i approached i saw two girls of youngish age (18-20) muchly concerned with their appearance and blocking the portion of plain coloured phone covers leaving me to peruse the glittery section.
- girls you're standing in the wrong spot
- what?
- look at where you're standing.
- uhm... we're looking at phone covers.
- right. exactly, but did you somehow fail to see that the one you really want is on this side.
- which one?
- dude, you must have noticed that this phone cover is a leopard skin pattern in pink and white diamantes with glitter, what more could a girl want?
- [they half laugh because they're still confused. i think they think i want to have sex with them which is what girls always think when you talk to them, especially if you're being facetious which is probably fair because if we didn't want to have sex with you why would we bother to leave the very comfortable quiet-think-space we were inhabiting to come forth and speak, but i promise dear GF i was not trying to have sex with them i was just being facetious and also because they were blocking the half of the covers i wanted to look at] [they laugh because they're still confused]
- ladies, i'm not actually kidding. i'm trying to do you a favour. consider this: in about 3 months, one day you'll pick up your phone, and it'll be black and it'll have a black cover and you'll think to yourself is this all there is to life? just... black phones and black covers? ew. how pedestrian right? and let me tell you what you'll think next, you'll remember that random dude in the mall who tried to save you from this fate, and tried to remind you that life can be excellent. it can be amazing. every time you wake up in the morning to your phone-alarm or receive a text message can be an adventure if your phone cover was pink and white leopard pattern diamantes. it would be like... an adventure a day. and people will be like oh em gee how cool is your freaking phone cover i wish i were as cool as you and the whole world would be sooooo not pedestrian and in 3 months you might actually be on the cover of a magazine because some talent-scout spotted your phone and thought what a champion who is that chick.
- [they giggle because girls like this are only capable of giggling, playing with their hair, giggling more]
- all i'm saying chickees, is don't be a phone-cover rascist. seriously uncool in this day and age to hate on a phone cover just cause it's pink and white leopard pattern diamantes. at least give it a go. at least give it a chance.
- fiiiiine! ok! [they walk towards me and leave the other half of the stall, i take a step back so they can fit and i walk to where they were standing. i pick up a plain black gel phone cover and say to the man behind the counter:
- i'll take this one thanks [handing him my credit card. he scans and i take my card back and my purchase. i hear the girls say:
- hey! you just bought a plain black one! what's that about?