Friday, June 3, 2011

how i met this notapoem

note: against my better judgment i click play on conversation 16. everything that follows i attribute to this initial bad decision.

she waives at me from across the room.
oh god, not now ; i don't have time, i'm late.
she never cares.

it's sunshine outside,
i've been robbed my winter.
she undresses and slips into my pea coat.
sets the AC on low and gives me
grey-tinged sunglasses to wear.

what do you want to talk about today? she asks
but i didn't plan on speaking today.
she laughs and pats me on the shoulder,
i've been told whispering to people in comas sometimes works.

in white underwear i dance like a junkie-OD around the coffee table she's standing on -
laughing as she kicks over piles of paper and empty tea mugs
with her black heels and snake hips ;
my body rocks its bones, i think please, but can't decide if i want it to stop or continue.
she turns up the music, dancing , lies down on the table, her red hair
dripping onto the floor and closes her eyes in a delighted sigh.

she asks me to make a list of all the things i've lost or forgotten
but i can't remember most of them and still haven't realized the other half.
she starts burning my photographs and ripping my books,
see how nice i am i give you things to write down she says, playing
with my hair she occasionally pulls a few out and sprinkles them on my page
so i don't forget them.

i cough my tears into a tissue i've been using for a few days.
she waits impatiently.

did you lie to me? if you ever betray me i'll kill you.
i'm sorry... nono, i... don't think so. sometimes i can't tell truth from the other thing
the tears in her eyes retreat and she smiles like a child.
she's trained me to love her smiles.

she drinks it up,
asks casually about affairs it's too sharp to talk about and
failures i can't put into words yet.
speaks names that make my ears bleed and refuses to leave
until i show her the scars you gave me.
even then she's staring away ,

nice try she says.
not sure if it's what i'm looking for,
but i'll have it in mind.

when she leaves the room
i've pressed myself into a wall

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