how i met this notapoem

note: against my better judgment i click play on conversation 16. everything that follows i attribute to this initial bad decision.


___i.
she waives at me from across the room.
oh god, not now ; i don't have time, i'm late.
she never cares.


___ii.
it's sunshine outside,
i've been robbed my winter.
she undresses and slips into my pea coat.
sets the AC on low and gives me
grey-tinged sunglasses to wear.


___iii.
what do you want to talk about today? she asks
but i didn't plan on speaking today.
she laughs and pats me on the shoulder,
i've been told whispering to people in comas sometimes works.


___iv.
in white underwear i dance like a junkie-OD around the coffee table she's standing on -
laughing as she kicks over piles of paper and empty tea mugs
with her black heels and snake hips ;
my body rocks its bones, i think please, but can't decide if i want it to stop or continue.
she turns up the music, dancing , lies down on the table, her red hair
dripping onto the floor and closes her eyes in a delighted sigh.


___v.
she asks me to make a list of all the things i've lost or forgotten
but i can't remember most of them and still haven't realized the other half.
she starts burning my photographs and ripping my books,
see how nice i am i give you things to write down she says, playing
with my hair she occasionally pulls a few out and sprinkles them on my page
so i don't forget them.


___vi.
i cough my tears into a tissue i've been using for a few days.
she waits impatiently.


___vii.
did you lie to me? if you ever betray me i'll kill you.
i'm sorry... nono, i... don't think so. sometimes i can't tell truth from the other thing
the tears in her eyes retreat and she smiles like a child.
she's trained me to love her smiles.


___viii.
she drinks it up,
asks casually about affairs it's too sharp to talk about and
failures i can't put into words yet.
speaks names that make my ears bleed and refuses to leave
until i show her the scars you gave me.
even then she's staring away ,


___ix.
nice try she says.
not sure if it's what i'm looking for,
but i'll have it in mind.

when she leaves the room
i've pressed myself into a wall