thoughts (fragments)

in the silence of the park
and every darkened cinema
___Election Night by Bic Runga











physics by meyrem


'sometimes, some trips, i feel so welcome. so at home. i feel like this is where i belong and i never wanna leave.'
' ... '
' ... '
'and?_'
'_____and. __and othertimes, i feel distance. all these people, i feel like they're from another planet. i can't understand how they think. i feel like a foreigner and i can't wait to leave. it's not even like a holiday where you enjoy the feeling of difference. it's worse. i feel like it's wrong for me to be here. i'm an intruder, stepping on all these people's lives with my misunderstandings.'
' ... '
' ... '
'i think it's just you. what you're afraid of at any given moment.'
' ... '
' [shrug] '
'so what are you scared of now?'
' [notices another 10 out of 10 blonde walk by] i feel like LA is only for the successful and the rich and the beautiful. New York too. all these places. these are places where you hear about so-and-so and how (s)he made it.'
'you're doing alright.'
'it's coming along. it's not a competition i know.'
'it's not.'
'but i have Gatsby-syndrome.'
'you have a Daisy?'
'no. i wanna disappear and reappear years later all of sudden like the Wuthering Heights/Gatsby Knight in Mysterious Armor who made it.'
'you're weird.'
'uncontested.'


___*___*___*

after it happened i was dizzy for a few years. when i woke up i stumbled around not knowing what to do with myself. you were sad about your divorce and my latest therapist had just broken up with me so we drank rum out of plastic children's cups and i ended up starfish on your white carpet laughing and writing in my notebook i am so sad as tears rolled from my eyes and yours were red with anger but we laughed anyway.


___*___*___*

___i asked her what she was doing and she messaged me saying i undressed after work but forgot to take my heels off. i'm alone with champagne and my imagination. what are you doing? i ignored it because you were free for coffee and your lips would send men to Troy.


___*___*___*

someone plays the trumpet while the others dance besides the pyramid. _when that dream ends your skin's soft as ash and i refuse to touch you ,
_on a cloudy night a quiet guy walks into a party

arriving home it is soo quiet, i would sit in the car for as long as i could with the engine running to avoid it
___black slinky dress, and the mild protuberances of your ankles and wrists
_the angles your body makes with itself,

i fell asleep in the park once , it was sunset , i was waiting for my sister.
i dreamt of distance without words

she was cooking he kissed the back of her neck and she smiled
i can't sleep when you can't sleep ,
if i unwind this road where will it end or have started?

when we relive this we'll do it better

she takes my hand to lead me out. stops besides a girl i've never seen and asks for keys. i realise what's going on and panic.

(when was i last asleep?
_when you wake i'm still at my desk. i think i've worked it out i say.)

anything with a start or an end i resign from.

we turn off the freeway, we used to live here. Hey, let's count all the different places we had arguments , after 8 she's heard enough , but i keep counting all the way towards the beach

you inject your medicine , i take two more pills and wait for my hands to grow cold and my mouth to go dry. quite the pair she says.

anything with a start or an end ,


___*___*___*

i can't write. this isn't working, i can't say what i mean.

:(
_