false alarm.

i blame the future for what it did to us.__ a tuesday, this could only have happened on a tuesday i thought to myself. __i held my breath when i looked up again i was swimming through europe - just keep walking i remember thinking, just keep walking. and after 10 hours of it i remember masturbating just so i'd fall asleep in a strange bed on the 5th floor of a building in the shadow side of town , when i came down for breakfast there were only meth-heads and a family of scarved muslims and an old woman with no teeth who stared at her toast without touching. __just keep walking i prayed with pills and the silence of speaking to no one walled me in so i promised not to think about you but i willed you into every shadow and i leant against the streetlights while i ate my sandwich-and-coffee lunch but really i was just lonely and i imagined it as a hug __and i slept through the bad dreams but didn't know what to do about all the awake hours so i walked __until somewhere in paris __where my feet had bled through my shoes and i couldn't walk anymore every morning i spent an hour bandaging my feet and still i couldn't stop and wait for you to catch up to me , or regret or guilt or whatever other name the Eumenides take __earthquakes like this can only happen on tuesdays.

today was a wednesday. when i woke up i didn't know where i was, why i was dressing the way i was. when i returned home i looked in the mirror and my eyes were soo red it scared me. i received an email are you still alive?. __after considering it: no. ____whatever i am is another thing, __the other thing. __... no i thought after considering it.

but death is such a constant

the sound of the ocean, __or the violins in my neck

gravity, memory, the whole sky is your big blue eye sitting on my shoulder - all these things i cannot escape, even if i wanted to.


___*___*___*

ok. this is all rubbish. i can't write about this all yet. i thought it was there, but it's not.