w h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g n o w h e r e

untitled by amber ortolano


my body caved in today. gave up. i've been feeling 'odd' for a few days and i couldn't place it. i took a break from gym, made an effort to eat more.


___*___*___*

there's a lot of talking. you hear people in the next office laughing all day. walking in and out of mine. they're confused now that i've stopped looking up from my desk to acknowledge them.
- wow, you work hard.
- always.
- good for you.
- i'm trying to keep up with the genocidists. they work really hard.

(this is a lie. i'm just taking as many random turns as i can hoping to get lost in something).


___*___*___*

when i leave at 7pm my body hurts and i want to throw up.

i can't keep the bicycle steady.

just looking at the weights in the gym makes me pant heavily, and i can't understand my heart rate.


___*___*___*

MECHANISMS I'VE ENTHUSIASTICALLY ADOPTED/ATTEMPTED TO HELP ME DEAL WITH RECENT 'STUFF', A LIST:

- walking without rest from wake up to sleep now in paris
- pills x2, twice a day, without fail, without question
- read --> understand --> confirm --> WORK
- keep working. from 8 till 6:30
- then gym
- not write
- under no circumstances listen to: Hospice by the Antlers, For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver, High Violet by the National, Dark Storm EP by the Jezzebels


___*___*___*

drug overload. work overload.

i'm going to stop both for the weekend and let my body deal with it. (god help me)

i expect spasms of fatigue and sadness. so to offset that i'm planning a shopping expedition in Amsterdam for tomorrow and pjs-and-movie-sunday. i also expect to watch this about 400 times between now and monday.

one,
two,
here goes...