the Hague at 4am

untitled by coolhandluke


maybe you're just lonely she says. maybe she's right. maybe you're right mom, who knows. there isn't an explanation for it, but there's never been an explanation. 'the wave'. that's what we call it in my family: the wave. (is there a wave coming? / has the wave hit? / sorry i'm late, i can't move, i've been stuck under this wave for days)


___*___*___*

she lets me pick the music. she wants gravity repeated. that's not fair i say, these songs don't mean anything to you, i'm the one that has to take a beating when we listen to them.
- what beating?
- a beating.
- from what?
- from history.
- qua?
- my past. my history. i've been carrying these songs with me a long time.
ah. __i see she says.

she starts to describe silentuim (excerpt). in the abstract. completely novel. i smile , silently . sadly , looking at the ceiling. __where are you? she wants to know. 2008, it's... impenetrably dark. 2010, driving a friend back from the train station, she's asleep on my shoulder. ___israel. __brisbane, __staring at four white walls trying to find a window... hell. ___we listen for a minute more, then i add: heaven.


___*___*___*

just make sure you contact me every few days, you understand? i say i do. don't disappear again for two weeks with no word. and if you're feeling... ya know, then you call me okay? i nod into the phone. okayyy? she stresses. yes mom yes mom, of course it makes me feel better just to hear her say these things. good boy she concludes.


___*___*___*

i'd gotten the hint that nothing was going to happen. maybe i was relieved. i listened to the music and was happy in my world and she wrapped me around herself and was happy in hers. the next tune came on, i turned onto my back and she, two-thirds-asleep already, followed her head onto my chest.

if i had to relive the memories in the music, it felt appropriate to relive the memories in my body too. ___i ran my hand through her hair. __my fingers across her cheek. (song after song this is. an hour's worth, maybe more. who knows, it was already that indeterminable time of night. __hand. __hair. __fingers. __cheek.

lost in my own reverie, i kissed her forehead. half hers. i'm certain half was hSara's. __half was oMna's. god knows who else. ___it was so slow, __so perfect.
a minute later , __another.
_____another.

another.

i felt a shudder.

________a minute later , __another.
_____________another.

________another.

little spasms. barely sensible.

for my part, i felt so still. so perfectly, fossil-still.

________________a minute later , __another.
_____________________another.

________________another.


when it happened it was(not) a surprise.

it was just there. a noisy shadow amongst us, within us. between us.


___*___*___*

i've never seen a place so abandoned. the whole way home there isn't a single moving thing. i hear the traffic light change colours. it's loud enough to startle me. anyway i don't stop, there's no need.
i think the wind might be questioning me.


___*___*___*

she's so strange to touch. i'm accustomed to softer women. she... feels like me. i get the strange sensation i am touching a mirror image of my own body. i wonder if she feels the same , i'm not too distracted to ask, but i don't pursue it.


___*___*___*

it's nearly dawn , i lie in bed rubbing my cheeks. trying to decide what to do with my beard. it's past drug-addict-chic. now it just looks... feral. my hair's long too i look like a mountain lion. or a hezbollah operative. maybe i should shave ;

i wonder if it's too soon. __(if it was too soon)

if i'm suddenly younger or older.
if i can suddenly be made younger or older.


___*___*___*

how would you like me? _this makes me smile. _she knows this smile, it's the awkward translation smile. qua? she's confused, she's not sure what she got wrong. _wrapped in a ribbon i finally say. now she's really confused: no, what i mean was - i could - __my hands reach her and again , that noisy shadow


___*___*___*

are you lonely though? she repeats. i'm not sure. i don't feel lonely. but i'm never conscious of it, even when i am i don't know i am.
- what will you do?
- _... _nothing. _wake up. _go to work. _go to gym.
- sounds good.
- it is good.
- sounds good.
- it has to be. _there's no other option really.

__[we both know there is, but we pass over this in silence]

- you call your mother more regularly, you understand?
- yes.
- i'm not kidding.
- yes mama.


___*___*___*

- do you want to hold on to it?
- no no. i won't be around for a few days so take it with you
- okay _[so i grab my beanie from off her head. put it on my own and turn around to descend the stairs]
- hey, no hard feelings right? it's okay?
- [i'm not sure what she's referring to] quuaaa? [i'm mimicking her]
- stop teasing me!
- [descend a few more stairs]
- it's okay?
- c'est bien c'est bien _[descend a few more stairs] _let me know when you're around again
- of course. _good night
- bon soir [from the bottom of the stairs]

___*___*___*

at 7:30 my alarm sounds