Sunday, February 26, 2012


friday is so far away by meyrem

my mom tells me to get married __i listen to some of it, the rest of the time i worry about my books that have to go in boxes again __i worry about when i'll be man-enough to have my own place mineminemine) __and i ate banana bread last night it took the better part of 5 months to get in shape again __(whatever that means) __are you listening to me? she asks __i am i am __and i am. __i'm tired of working, not really not so much working but there's no food at my place i get home too late to get to the supermarket i work out instead __instead i choose tomorrow's pocket square - there's a big appeal, all the big guns will be there, constitutional challenges always cause a stir __- i'm worried about my dad, about my sister, about my mom - there's no one i'm not worrying about __too many people have died this week, maybe that's the problem __i try and think about gol's baby instead, that's something new that can give me hope __this is because i listened to Hospice again tonight / i really should know better. __i'm 29 that scares me, 29 with roomates that scares me, 29 and i'm not sure when i left haifa, it feels like i'm the ghost and the real me's still there when i left the hague, it feels like i'm the ghost and the real me's still there, when i left LA, it feels like i'm the ghost and the real me's still there __and happy and unconfused and always knew where he was going and never got lost and never failed and everyone was proud of him and he wouldn't need to worry about his mom and dad and sister because he could look after them better __what does 'kettering' mean anyway? look that up q, remember to. __tomorrow all the big guns will be there. and the court of appeal will be constituted by the most senior judges. __the light blue tie i think. __and that concludes her case for why i need to be married. _yes. good. ok. right. fine. very well. __i'm 29 i'm in the wrong country in the wrong city in the wrong everything. __everyone gets mad at me when i say it but it's true. __this is the wrong place. i know that now. __i'm 29 i have to be careful with my decisions. i'm not a teenager anymore i can't just make stupid decisions. i've used up my quota of stupid decisions. __still i don't know how she ended up in my bed so i kissed her out of loneliness and we did that for a while. and i whispered jokes in her ear and she laughed and eventually we fell asleep. __when i woke up for work 2 hours later my ears hair eyelids lips everything hurt. __two weeks later when i woke up that was today i wasn't tired anymore but maybe this feeling (this same one i can never name understand comprehend anticipate decipher) decipher is the right word __is loneliness. __mom's asking me if i'd help her put new floors in. __are you kidding? it'll be the most fun thing i've done since the last time i put new floors in. __i mean that.

i'm the youngest almost-but-not-quite-adult i know.

i'm trying to keep it that way.

but all those books, with their quiet lips stuck in a box worry me.

i need more poetry.

i'm too tired to read.

all of this troubles me.

(if i pick the right pocket square for tomorrow,
if i run another 7 kms tonight


and i'll
be safe.


Anonymous said...

:) I relate to your thinking !

Mary said...

thank you

Jekachka said...


Mary Jane said...

its nobody's fault but your parents you are in that STATE OF MIND