now. things. concerns:::

am:

(trying) (to) buy/ing house
organising a BESS-type class
save money
riding trains
working up stamina to shave every morning
leaving house
stop youtubing new XX tune 48 times before lunch
(losing count after)
reading renovation books
glued to property listings
phonecalls in every crack of the day
emails in every crumb of 5 minutes left over
take lunch to work for the first time since grade 12. (not true. i actually just leave a loaf of bread and peanut butter at the fridge at work).
categorically refuse to take lunch daily to work <-- taking lunch to school in highschool was a traumatic experience for me
no pills
no pills
no pills
for approx troi weeks now
new doctor likes to 'talk'.
pennyoldguy does not like to 'talk'.
therefore lots of talk about 'talking'. (i refer to as the jurisdictional issue)
then sometimes sneaky bastard catches me off guard and i talk (i refer to as the substantive issues).
(trying) not (to) hate my Viennese-witchdoctor <-- allusion to Nabokov because i'm still high-brow like that
floors must be wood painted white or wood painted grey or almost grey anyway scandinavian pale something wood or cement every cement.

late for being early to work because i need to because mayhem bedlam pandemonium going on right now in planet-quniverse.

no posts.
little writing.
creativity kicked in the guts.

the smoochful love you all end.

new old q ( unpilled // hello )

untitled by chiara balza


it's scary being this much myself. (what a funny thing to say). i'm scared of it , anything could happen. i have needs now. with my eyes i lick every pretty girl i pass. the prettiest today held my gaze. platinum hair. light orange lipstick, she was ivory and anachronistic. a friendly ghost or a walking plaster.
___what was i saying? 

it's been 12 days now. i'm talkative. cheeky as all hell. my boss has no idea what's happened and why i won't stop teasing her. i've gained weight (which i hate. loathe). i get tired. i laugh readily. i don't have to be conscious of my body language to ensure i don't give negative, anti-social cues (because the pills made me feel inwardly and completely uninterested in social intercourse). ___it goes without saying i find this level of engagement in my own reality very unsettling. i'm not sure i like it. historically it has not ended in nice places. but the road is long. and you don't get f&cked until you do.


THINGS I PRESENTLY WANT, BECAUSE I THINK IT'S OKAY TO WANT THINGS FROM LIFE, A LIST:

1. to sort my taxes out once and for all because i'm sick of worrying about them
2. put a tick next to 'pre-approved loan', then put a tick next to 'a home i would want to live in', then a tick next to 'offer accepted' then a tick next to: commence building floor to ceiling bookshelf.
   
   i'm not actually kidding. i've spent most evenings this week working out how to design build them. in theory... i should be able to do it. theory never works out quite right, but whatever. YOLO bitchez.
3.  to feel like... it makes sense again. it's been a while since i've had even the remotest inclination of 'purpose'. my soul has grown shy. i need to take it for a walk.
4. a piano handy, so i can commence learning this.
5. sex. all sorts of it. i say that... but really i make no time or effort towards it. [shrug]

now i am listening to [click above link] and i am lost. it is so beautiful. meaningless sound. a story made up of nonwords. what i hear are movements. it sounds like a dance looks. what that means i don't know - other than my senses are confused.

look, look q - you're writing again. perhaps it's because you can feel again. how terrifying. i hate feeling. feeling is the root of all messiness.

dear lordyalleverymagnificentstuff...
just , stay near.
it's gonna be a long future.