thoughts (fragments)

untitled by lauren treece


there is a fountain by the pool. I do not like it, it deceives me. In the evenings when it's on, it sounds like it raining, but ___it isn't. __The sky doesn't feel like it's raining. (and yet, there's the sound of it.
______a mild torture. (reminds me on unrequited lust(


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i received a too-nice text message. reminded me that this is still somethingwho i am. even when i'm feeling sterile , and dry-lipped. even under that there's a fossil with a few words imprinted on it. probably with a too large proportion of adjectives.


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- Q, no. No.
- what? why?
- no Q.
- what are you worried about,? i'm fine, i'm okay with this
- no, I'm not worried about you - you're fine - i'm worried about her.
- what!
- what?
- Judas!
- no!
- yes!
- no!
- what kind of friend are you!, stop Judas-ing me!
- yah, whatever cowboy. Let me tell you, as a girl, you're like the seven plagues of Egypt sugar coated in a charming wrapper.
- ___i... i... i think i'm flattered.


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We sit at a table to celebrate his disappointment. 'Either we'll have dinner. Either it'll be to celebrate, or to distract you and rage on those whose decision was wrong'. To which I promptly typed "IN". And so there we sat. What has this year been anyway? he asks. The year of what tha I propose. They want to know if I'm serious. I am, either that or the year of the bow tie. Because we learned how to tie bow ties this year. get it? we learned to , therefore ... seems... like, an (to which they: yes we get it q). When we get up and leave, it's still nameless. 2011 was my transition year. But I see 2012 as an extension of that. It's an unexpected appendage to 2011, a growth.


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THINGS I HAVE BEEN TOLD BY PERSON PAID TO LISTEN TO ME SPEAK, A LIST:

- no, this would have been even before that. I don't think you've ever been emotionally accessible. Not totally anyway.
- you don't use people, you just try and control things; So that you don't get hurt.
- this may come as a shock to you, but some people are motivated by human relations [i stare at him a while] ('what does that even mean that doesn't mean anything how can blahblahing motivate anything?'). i thought it might shock you.
- you've never been in a relationship you hadn't already found an exit strategy out of, have you?


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it excites me to be awake
i hear wind, it hears me.
tomorrow is a distant fragment of disappointment,
an intangible future i am not concerned in/with.


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in the magic stillness of my bedsheets i see the angular shapes of the summer girls sitting on the train. all ankles and naked shoulders and unbrushed hair. challenging eyes, demanding my reason for looking at her. i give the bedsheets the same questioning, curious gazes back.
______somewhere in all this, there is some epiphany that will wake me. re-enliven me.