blah blahs

i've understood now that i can never have back
all those things i've lost.
___except i'm still too young to know what i've lost ,


___*___*___*

all i think about nowadays is happiness, what it is,
where it comes from ;
why i'm impotent, barely able to sustain it for a few minutes,
before limp and flaccid i recede back into shame
___for never knowing where it is,
and my people must wonder why i can never know where i've
misplaced it this time,

like the irresponsible adult who's always losing his keys.


___*___*___*

there is so much i want(ed) to write about last week.

i went home.
i turned a corner and turned thirty.
i saw an ex, just for fun; and spent the afternoon looking through
her clothing and seeing her naked body as i remember it from
11 years ago, when we would race all over town between her parents' home, my parents' homes, whose-ever-home was empty for long enogh.

i saw friends. and their wives and their babies and their lives unfolding.
i haven't yet understood how i fit in with that. but i managed it well enough, for once.

i watch girls and archer, things they hadn't heard of. they give each other knowing glances as they make references to the coffee-cups and junk mail of life, details they know from daily blahblah. they ask me why i look so tired i say i went to the beach house concert last night. (they haven't heard of it, they'll look it up). i want to say, then, after the concert we came back to my house so i could show her the fort i've built with all my furniture in the middle of the room. and then we spent 5 hours having amazing sex, and how after the fourth hour even i thought we might be done. but she asked for a glass of water, and i went to get it, but instead of handing it to her, i poured it on her naked body, heard her say wha tha before i grabbed her and was lost for another hour.

that's what i want to tell them about. but they're talking about when babies should start speaking. so i stare at the music videos playing in the background on the tv. i love this tune he says, as he goes to turn it up, followed by: but i never heard it on the radio, i don't know what it is. I say: it's A$AP.
- what?
- A$AP Rocky, it's the new A$AP LP.
- i've never heard of... that
- it's good. as demonstrated to us by this awesome tune. [sensing things getting a bit awkward, i add: ] and the Kendrick Lamar album is great too if you're-
- oh that's fantastic!
- [saved]

sometimes i feel like the greatest disappointment my hometown ever spawned. other times simply a straggler.

in any case: i'm far now. too far.


___*___*___*

i had a panic attack. i can't be here for two more years. i have to be, but i can't be. i'm very scared.


___*___*___*

six years ago i met a girl. we spent about two months together. i spent about two years after that trying to get over it. there's more to it, but it's a familiar enough story. ___i'm reading the museum of innocence, which in many aspects has an uncanny resemblance (in its details) to my story. it is horror to read. but compelling. especially because Kemel Bey and i have gone in different directions. and our museums are very different places. but still. i think orhan pamuk has spied on me.