Thursday, April 11, 2013

Thy 11 Apr 8:22 PM

- but i had a happy childhood.
- you were a child, but you didn't have much of a childhood.
- i think i did.
- even so.
- ...
- why do you think you always want people to look after yo-
- Okay, what-ever.


i rush to do this. __before anyone gets home. __before something noisy happens , before the phone rings , before i get too hungry , before i lose my flow , before i remember something , before i forget everything ( , in hopes i forget everything) , before i having another sneezing fit , before i lose motivation because i convince myself it's a waste of time and i'm horrible , before i decide i'm horrible because i should be reading - so i can be smarter - or watching something hip so i can be hipper , before i'm distracted by an email , by a junk email that i have to empty out of my jumk-email-folder immediately , before i have to turn the volume down , up , skip the song , before i decide i have to masturbate immediately because i won't be calm until i do , before my hands start to shake for no reason , before i text girls i shouldn't text , before i call my sister and listen to the sound of my family falling apart , before i change rooms and it's too cold to write in there , before my eyes well up and i worry that i might hit something too deep and crush myself under the weight of what a 'myself' is/was/could be(mean) , before that rare instance of feeling goes away (why don't i feel anything anymore?) (5 weeks ago i started crying while painting a window and even then i couldn't feel anything, it was just a thing my body was doing ; without me. my body was crying for me) , before my skin sags and my hair moves off my face into my ears and nose , before i suspiciously crash my car because i've fallen asleep at the wheel again , before i fall asleep on the couch - on the floor - on the bed (why never in your lap? why did that only happen once?) , before i'm disowned by everyone i know and abandoned by my friends , before you're all just names , before i notice the trash needs to be taken out , before i lose my faith , before i find it again and regretfully decide to say prayers , before i lose it again before saying my prayers and regret not having drank myself into a stupor and got lost on a road somewhere and hit my head and woke up someone else and named myself Geronimo and lived sadly amongst tins of tuna and bus shelters , before i stop being me , before i break another heart , before i



+ i'd have a beard. on my face.

+ i'd enjoy riding a bike.

+ i'd start crying for no reason while painting a window.

+ i'd have little plastic toy dinosaurs and astronauts and zombies and farm animals all over my house they're crawling across the frames of artwork and on my book shelf and in glass bowls on my dining table

+ that i'd meet you / not know you / go days at a time without thinking about you

+ that i would write so little

+ that i would wear leather shoes everyday

+ that it would come to this, this week.

+ that i'd resent not having feelings and take pills whenever i did have feelings because i didn't like what the feelings were whispering about

+ that i'd feel so small while walking so upright

+ that we wouldn't have it all together yet

+ that i'd be single and too scared to be anything else

+ that i'd live in brisbane again after what happened

+ that the most senior judge in the state would come over to have tea with me and so i could play clare de lune for her (her Honour - to be precise)

+ that i wouldn't enjoy being in a club all night

+ that i'd still think you were the coolest person ever and miss spending time with you

+ that i'd look forward to friday

+ that i'd be 30 and walk on the rug i used to play on when i was 7


dear MM,
(1) you must use that picture. you just must.
(2) you're probably right about all the rest.
(3) more to come. i just wanted to get that out.



+ one day i'll jump off something and never land

+ what would mar say about all this?

+ you should write more q. write something proper. it won't hurt. it will actually. but it might be worth it.

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