things that haven't worked, a list:

+ hiphop.

+ having sex.

+ having more sex.

+ not taking pills.

+ taking pills.

+ taking more pills.

+ not taking pills.

+ reading Dickens.

+ taking a walk to get some air.

+ buying things i don't need with money i don't have.

+ buying more things i don't need with money i don't have.

+ running till my legs shake.

+ lying on my couch and staring at the ceiling.

+ lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling.

+ listening to on the line on repeat.

+ texting you, knowing that you don't want to hear from me anymore, because last week you gave me one last chance and i didn't know what to say because i don't know what to say because i don't know what to do think be - but i don't think i have any friends and even if i did i miss compiling end of year lists with you and now i don't know who to do that with and i'm not sure what this the all is was f&ckf&ckf&ck ___f  &   c  k_________.

+ masturbating.

+ working out. (heavier. heavier. make it hurt. it doesn't hurt enough. make it hurt more. ok, you can't physically lift that. fine. fine. you know what, half the weight. lift it 40 times. that'll show you. again. no? no? ok. run till your legs shake. oh. you know what, that's not an excuse. rowing machine. another 5 minutes. another 5. another 3. your arms are cramping? fine. walk home. but you're not allowed to eat for 5 hours. that's what you deserve. lick that.  ___who are you? ___)

+ writing variations on neruda's first lines (it so happens i'm tired of being a man).

+ not texting you. texting other people. making them laugh. undressing them. being confused about why it didn't work. doesn't work. can't work.

+ not having memories.

+ staring at my bookshelf.

+ waiting for it to rain.

+ opening my piano lid, sitting silently with my hands in my lap for 7 minutes. getting up. closing the lid. walking away. (___what a sad song that was___)

+ taking a shower.

+ washing all my sneakers.

+ icecream.

+ cinema.

+ movies at home.

+ aimless internetting.

+ iphone games.

+ texting you.

+ not texting you.

+ calling my mom. (and not saying anything)

+ scrolling through my contacts list thinking who i can call, knowing full well i won't call anyone because i wouldn't know what to say because because because. (___because is an open parenthesis that has no close. it's the ledge. just... is. and we all sit and stare, waiting to see what happens. but nothing. just silence. because is a word that has stood us up our whole lives. you know why? ___(

+ not drinking whiskey.

+ opening my windows for air.

+ showering again.

+ working on apps.

+ Southpark.

+ Community.

+ starting a conversation with the old lady sitting besides me at the cinema. ( wishing i knew her better. she was sweet. she made me feel happy. i wanted to be near her. i wished she were somebody in my life that i could visit. and change her lightbulbs for her. maybe once a week, i could time it for garbage day, so she wouldn't have to take the trash out.  i hope she doesn't have to take her own trash out // i hope i'm not sitting here writing this. )

+ going to mom's house.

+ having an amphetamine-comedown panic-attack and demanding to be dropped off at the train station at 11pm Christmas eve. ( // being disappointed when they didn't know you can't listen to anything i say when i'm like that )

+ not writing because i refuse to be a mopey sad internet blogger.

+ writing mopey sad internet bloggerisms.

+ listening to the rest of Cupid Deluxe. 5 times. each time in reverse order, last song to first.

___*___*___*

i give up.