all the things

+
yes, rain. rain indeed. more. [i grab my jacket and walk out.
there's no better way to avoid the 400 pages of reading that are absurdly required


+ x
- so i told you a secret, ___now you tell me one.
- that's difficult - no - listen, listen - it's difficult because i don't have a lot of secrets, i blab too much.
- fine, so tell me something.

i really take a few moments to think. i want to give her something real, and intimate. something deep. it's a test, i want to see if she can recognise what i'm giving her.

- sometimes, when i can't sleep, when i'm sad, if i've had a long day, other times just sitting with a friend and discussing things, i like to drink. ___bourbon... ___and that's a big deal for me. it's not something i'm comfortable with. it's not who i've ever been before, but it's someone i am currently. and i'm terrified of where it could lead, and why it's even a thing, but... well. there you have it. it's like a relationship with a dangerous woman - but a dangerous woman who's been nothing but sweet and loving to you, so you have no reason not to trust her, but still you don't. because as long as you're good to her, she'll be good to you, but you know deep down you're a bit of a prick and you're scared you'll be mean to her and then, if you do that - if you make that mistake - she'll tear you limb from limb and smile with your blood running down her chin. and i know she has that in her and i have some sabotage in me.

she doesn't really get it. ___which makes me sad. it was that age old risk: sentimental gift or something easy from Tiffany's. i guess she wanted the blue-bag.


+
i find settling in to new places difficult. this is all there is to it. i'm not good at it.

so it's no biggie. it's just the pattern. round we go again. always around, always again.

just what it is.


x +
it was , it was - that was the night you fell asleep in my chest mid-sentence, 
that's what she says,
___i want to say: i love hearing your voice and i miss you and i'm terrified by both those things.

i want to say it but i'm too busy laughing about how that night - in our excitement and fatigue - we booked tickets to the Book of Mormon in New York instead of London. we laugh loudly.

outside it is dark and it rains. and my room is cosy. and i miss intimacy.