Sunday, December 14, 2014

all the things

+ it's okay you can't come. it's okay. it helps me try to imagine different futures, ones without you. (except that i miss you and i think you're soo beautiful and i miss you and even as i lay here with someone else besides me, i think of you and feel guilty for it and feel so humiliated by it i don't want to go home. ever.)

+ i can't go home anymore. i can't. it's yours. this is how i play these things we all know. and now, australia has to be yours i can't see your face again. i'm too small to deal with it.

+ i managed to pass six hours watching football and drinking half this cheap bottle of bourbon. but i'm stuck with a 60 minute gap before the next game. i'm lost.

+ what am i doing here? it's too hard. oxford is too full of smart people and i've never felt so dumb and it's soo expensive and i hate that i had the perfect life (at least temporarily) and i left it behind to come here to feel poor and unintelligent and sit around missing you. it's hard to fathom.

+ four days i spent eating and sleeping. tomorrow we go back to life. reading and gym. reading and reading. it'll all be very serious very soon.

what am going to do with the rest of the everything?

ok. there, i said it. i'm in oxford and i'm not sure what i'm doing there. it's the one thing i can't say out loud. not with everything every one who loves me has invested in it. i can't say, it's too ungrateful. too selfish. so i never will. never ever. i'll never say it out loud. no on will ever hear me whisper it. not ever.

i am soo tired.


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