shhh

 imagine i did it. 

imagine i did.

that thing, 

sat in the silence and conceived myself

said said what i felt - worse still - felt it

these are sharp words. sharp and... 

* * * 

why i have i lived this soo long?

will it must it go on? but, but like this ?

this ?

* * *

he asks me - I spoke the psychiatrist today - god bless phone appointments - he asks me how i am - things are good, ups and downs, been on this ride a long time doc, get to know the bumpy parts pretty well. 

sure thing, sure thing. well, you're still managing on 6 a day? - yup, same as always (more like 16

and nothing out of the ordinary? - nothing new, same ol same ol (twitching everywhere, add half a dozen caffeine pills, whatever else i can find, hypnic jerks are no fun, the twitch, the worst are the sores on the sores on the tongue, the strange lights and thinking all the shadows move

great. glad you're doing well. - eh. life. who knows right? win some, lose most. but, a win here and there, should be enough. 

very realistic. - i'm nothing if not accustomed to reality. 

what is reality? - a year ago you told me you couldn't cure existential angst, remember? 

yah yah - so why bother right?  - that's what i say, just. why. bother. 

* *  * 

and. yet. 

time goes its way. and you go yours. and mine?,   Mine? 

well. 

mine, it sinks deep.and, it will never be clear, i am smart man i will never understand it

just why it's so goddam imperative to the alien in my brain that it destroys me. that it does such a god-freaking-damn good job of it

and whether in the end, when i'm diced up on the scale, we'll know then, we'll know, on the scale, diced up, half a pound of flesh and a slowy broken cracked dreamer's pie of a heart, will i know whether i tried and fought,

or. 

not.

* *  *

for so long i have tried not to think. not to feel. what good can come of this? what good comes of putting this out in the world? 

i've been watching youtube. apparently repressed emotions are not such a good thing. substance abuse, constant distraction. sleep problems. disturbances of various types. check check check check. 

but here... 

no one's here anymore. the world has moved on from this space. perhaps here, it's time to re-imagine. re-enliven. 

let's be clear, i'm here to try and remember why it's okay to be alive and who knows and certainly not me i can't remember ever knowing. i'm nearly 40.that's a bruise i'll face another day. 

dear lord help me. 

iust. 

i've run out of prayers lord. i'm trying and it's not going great. 

do what you do. 

it's what it is. 

i hate this carousel. 

bye.