mikrokosmos

elbow-toe


THINGS I'D WANT SAID NOW IF I KNEW I WERE TO DIE TOMORROW: A LIST

____i.
mona, mar, you're in every heaven i've ever known.

____ii.
my soul is B and C naturals pressed together softly,
finally.

____iii.
gol: i'm pushing stars around to match your freckles

____iv.
jinab's painting my father should have.


*__*__*
(the story of how i came to have jinab's painting)

[flipping through stack of recent paintings done on paper. One catches my attention; it is monotone brown, like a too-early-teethed crack-baby Autumn being born scratching and crying resembling the hide of a bear, the dust of a Neanderthal cave, or the bark of an abused tree. The variations are subtle, the coloring sophisticated, the expression perfectly nuanced]

Q_ oh wow
J_ you like this one?
Q_ oh yes
J_ no one else has noticed it
Q_ frankly, i'm impressed. i love the painting, but i didn't know you had this much of a dark side to you.
J_ hey kid, i grew up listening to Britten's cello symphony
Q_ (rostropovich soloist?)
J_ (is that the one with Britten conducting?)
Q_ (yes)
J_ (that's the one)
Q_ ... but look at this jinab! it's so...
J_ everyone says to me it's brown and boring
Q_ dynamic! such movement to it... these scratches... the labor of autumn.
J_ poet are we?
Q_ call yourself a painter do ya?
J_ i want you to have this.
Q_ for shizzle?
J_ of course. I've never given you a painting, I want this one to be yours.
Q_ i'd be honored sir.
J_ i hate it when you call me sir.
Q_ sign the painting old man
J_ (that's more like it

i have never had a home to hang it up in. whenever i was at my mom's house, i'd go sit in the garage and look at the brown cardboard box it's wrapped up in. i'm sorry painting... you deserve better. i have failed all art.

*__*__*

____v.
my epitaph should read:
in any case, he tried.

____vi.
anjali, i'll always be honored
my poem was pinned up at your desk.

____vii.
dear God:
leave the pearly gate unlocked,
before i'm done I need to
__- sit by the lake at Flinders University and read Prufrock
__- kiss liplessly
__- walk feetlessly the path at Hallett Cove in spring with the daffodils
__- pray at my dirt-scented mound
__- (leave a penny-tip for the haloed fairy man)
(i'll shut it behind me)

____viii.
_ _ _ _ _:
you taught me love.
nothing else matters.

____ix.
gravity, i beat you you fu&*er

____x.
tamtam, i remember most the beach,
and the iceacream,
and the slight awkwardness of it,
and i kissed you first that late-sungold-afternoon
in my car in front of your house.
you are such sweet history.

____xi.
sahar, you have my heart:
grow roses (it must be roses they're your favorite)
on your brother's dirt,
when they sprout they will each be my heart for you.

____xii.
_ _ _ & _ _ _,
there are moments you do not notice,
i think: you will one day pay dearly for the way you just made me feel.
i wish you'd notice.

____xiii.
wonderful, i can fit in the space between the horizon
and the ocean.
i sound like the tide.
i can be touched as clouds.

____xiv.
v, i'll kiss into your dreams
eskimo-black hair, the silence of flower petals detaching,
shadows calming grass,
the eyes of cats,
the perfection of certainty.
it will be everything you.we are.weren't.was.never.

____xv.
i believe death sounds
like Shostakovich's 2nd piano concerto andante.

____xvi.
eman, thanks for saying hi.
you altered an entire universe.

____xvii.
i lied.
(i never knew a single solid thing)

____xviii.
i failed.
(i never knew what the game was)

____xix.
i'm happy.

____xx.
ashtree: in a sandcastle,
by a beach,__besides a too.cold river,
under a sunken waterfall,
a firefly kissed a little girl's cheek,
she smiled and her eyes grew green,
her hair became autumn's leaves,
she became magic,
and she smiled at me.

____xxi.
breathe deep,
i have eyes to navigate your darks now.
(i'll beat your heart for you,
and sprinkle your dreams with winter feathers,

i am all summer,
all passion,
life was the piano keys (which was the chess board)(the zebra skin)(the noth(every)thing)
and now i am the rainbow.