songs of the wayfarer

dry, shesaskeleton

this picture is my desktop wallpaper. i have watched this about 12 times today. i wrote down another pros and cons list for my life; i received a rejection letter about my novel, which makes me happy anyway, i like to imagine a stranger's eyes on me; then i had a raspberry Italian soda. 10 hours later i'm going to sit here and try to summarize.

*__*__*

____i.
he sleeps on: __pens __reading glasses
__CDs __washed laundry __wires
cheek to cheek against the carpet.


____ii.
sunday greets him through a half-opened window.
the green of the trees implies an afternoon walk.
there are answers out there somewhere.


____iii.
the closet sliding door is never on its rails,
9 months now he pulls things out from suitcases;
books (have followed him across continents, growing steadily)
___fall on his head.


____iv.
Shanghai's sky is the same color as golden autumn leaves.
LA's has a bright blue unblinking eye.
Seattle, at 3am: one insomniac turns in bed, ____the other rises,
___watches the river try and wash the moon away.
Vienna: i never looked up.
________(i looked back and waited for you.


____v.
and my mother says my eyes are grown sharp.
____they are penetrating.

__"i'm happy."
__"why?"
__"we prayed. _,_lots."
__"so?"
__"for this"
__"how do you know?"
__[smile] "those are the rules son"

and on the phone i hear a laugh

__"when do we want to have a normal life?"

__"I promise we're trying!"

i smile.

__"you should see this!, even Q's laughing"


____vi.
in the Japanese mountains the air feels like spring water
in the LA highway the air feels like napalm
in the Prague winter i breathed in the limbs and appendages of lost ghosts
in the plane to Chicago they crawled back out.


____vii.
his wallet is stuffed full of IDs, __bank accounts, __arrested futures,

(he remembers the feel of the mug holding hot chocolate in Haifa, where he spooned it in,
Lucerne, where he drank velvet,
Paris, where he dipped a croissant, and stared at the 8am Champs Elysee lie quietly against
__the morning sun and look beautiful)

he checks to make sure his next identity is still valid.
[sigh]


____viii.
the money's running out.
Time's hands grow long and short.
he shivers late at night, __hugging the carpeted floor for support,
__mumbling the names of his hometowns


____ix.
__"why didn't you tell me?"
__"you'd want to talk about it._,_ i don't want to talk about it"
__"is it because you feel like you... failed us?"
__"no" [yes]
__"i don't want you to feel like you're a disappointment ok?"
__"i don't." [i do]
__"you tried, that's all that's important"
__" ... " [ ... ]
__"it'll be fine; ok?"
__"of course it will."
__"ok. well then. I guess there's no reason to keep talking about it."
__[nod]


____x.
he passes the gnarled roots of trees, __blue buds hanging like too-beautiful-to-forget memories,
a small garden with pink flowers, __a jogger
____how can i put my arms around all this?


____xi.
your voice
makes me
happy.


____xii.
my bag broke in Prague.
my heart in Chicago.
my future in Haifa.
my past in LA.
my silence in Seattle.
my lungs in Shanghai.

my fingers trembled holding purple leaves in Kyoto.

i've lost control
__i have no center
____i spin away
______(how can i put my arms around this?)
(i mumble to myself quietly, no one can hear, over and over:
__home?
____home?
______home?
________home?