Questions I'd Ask God If I Died: A LIST

1. how'd i do?, __what's the score?
   
   
2. can i have my ears back?, i didn't realize i'd be here today, i forgot to listen to Don't Smoke in Bed one last time (and Mona says to me: "dude, what's with you and that Nina Simone song?- it's like on every mix comp. you ever made")
   
   
3. what's the trick to cold fusion? __(also inspiration, how do you fit it into us? why couldn't i have had more?)
   
   
4. did she love me? did i mess it up, or did you want it to go down like that? (i can't imagine you did, i've never seen your work be more messy)
   
   
5. why couldn't i have been one of those children that grows up surrounded by nature, learns to love themself through snow and trees and pebbles by the beach, and lives happily as long as it's quiet?
   
   
6. is it ok that i was either unhappy, or gritting my teeth and managing at very best apathy?
   
   
7. med school? _w h a t _freaking happened?
   
   
8. all the times i made the wrong decision... can you tell me what the right one was? (i'm telling you Big Guy, i really did choose as best as i could)
   
   
9. on my new mac they shifted all the Function keys around and so whenever i want widgets i end up turning up my volume __do you know about this?, it's really annoying. (inspire them to put it back!)
   
   
10. can i meet Bach please?
    
    
11. i haven't been touched in soo long... will it never happen again? __(had i known i'd have made love more often. __don't give me that look, you made it not me!)
    
    
12. this place is timeless right?, i really need to sit down and catch my breath
    
    
13. did i disappoint you?
    
    
14. i know about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, Wittgentstein's younger brother who lost his right arm in the war and commissioned all sorts of solo left-hand piano works, and Lucien Freud. is that going to be of any use?
    
    
15. no one ever visited me in my dreams. may i please request involvement in the dreamtime-loved.ones-visiting program? __(here is a list of my fav. five to regularly check up on)
    
    
16. is there a pager or something that beeps whenever people pray for me? __(and when they eventually stop, will i become lonely like elderly people in nursing homes no one comes to visit?)
    
    
17. i'm not kidding, it really has been ages, i need a hug (no, a tulip will not do)
    
    
18. why was it all soo hard for me?
    
    
19. in terms of percentages (since we all are willing to take some responsibility) who is to blame? me, mom, dad, or You?
    
    
20. did i ever surprise you?
    
    
21. was this all you wanted of me? i swear i tried... i just feel like... i could have done alot more, __i mean, had circumstances been different.
    
    
22. can you show me what life would have been had i (a) not gone to Haifa __(b) extended another year in Haifa for her __(c) stayed in medical school __(d) if sahar could walk
    
    
23. i have a theory that my life was preconceived in its entirety when my parents decided it was a good idea to move to an unstable wester-African autocracy for You. __am i right? __do i suffer.enjoy the consequences of other people's faithfulness?
    
    
24. is she ok? i just don't get it... really, please be honest, what was the point of all that?
    
    
25. i'm the only artsy-fartsy person in my family (immediate and extended) (no one gets it and they all find it annoying). did something go wrong somewhere?
    
    
26. i've missed you. will you sit with me a bit so we can talk about: eyelashes, solitude, infinity, pomegranate and raspberry yogurt (my favorite), my various car accidents, the fate of the prophets, how Socrates worked it all out, was actually is the best opening in chess?, why when i turned 24 i suddenly started feeling so comfortable amongst trees oceans and skies, gravity, ways not to be crushed by mass socialization, sadness, and... how did you think up love?
    
    
27. the time i dreamt of my grandfather... why couldn't i understand him? what facility do i lack?
    
    
28. as a human... what have i failed to grasp? __will i pay dearly?
    
    
29. what are You thinking when i pray to You?
    
    
30. i didn't eat enough honeydews, can we do something about it posthumously?
    
    
31. i can't decide if it was or wasn't worth it... __i shouldn't even think about that right?, like it's probably just best to forget the whole thing ever happened... __right?
    
    
32. (i miss holding books) __why are they so special? what have you hidden in them?
    
    
33. some of my happiest moments include: sitting in the tiny church in Cortina and praying while it rained on bright-red geraniums outside, the day i spent on the Great Wall in China, the feeling of certainty that is the definition of love, when i was 14 and i wanted to go for a run and Sahar didn't want to be left home alone, so i pushed her wheelchair while i jogged along the pathway in Hallett Cove that led to the train station. __what are some of Yours?
    
    
34. why do i feel soo far away from everything?
    
    
35. have i been here before... it feels familiar?
    
    
36. who messed me up? __no, really, stop with that nonsense. we both know. what the fu&* was wrong?
    
    
37. if i close my eyes and jump from this cloud, will i be a raindrop? an angel? will i be a cloud or a satellite? will i land in a bed somewhere and kiss a dream into someone's forehead? can i please? will i land in my room on Clayton Ave. where i felt most at home?, or... the rock cliff at the end of First St. where i should have realized my life wasn't gonna go the way everyone else's does, and felt ready and excited about it... can i please land on the wing of the plane that flew me into Haifa the first time (it landed on August 31st 2004), looked at my face and how few lines my forehead had. __i miss some things. i miss Richard, what will happen to him? Look out for him, he's a good guy, he looked out for me.
    if i close my eyes and jump from this cloud, can i land as nothing? i can undid your existence? can i go against the conservation of matter/energy/soul?
    (the beach on the Olympic Peninsula, the sharp black rocks, the hills, the strange islands in the sea, the mist that made mermaids exist when nothing else could... can i land there? Laying in the sun silently with Martha taking pictures... __the walk back, what did i call it? __this graveyard of trees, massive white dried up trunks. chalk. all chalk.
    
    
38. why did i have to lose her postcard? the last nice thing she ever said to me? (before her faith in me was depleted) __(i really wanted to keep that)
    
    
39. how did You get babies feet and knees and petit hands and elbows so perfect? how'd You know we'd like them soo much?
    
    
40. did i ever have a chance?
    
    
41. do you mind if i skip the floating thing and just walk? it's not that i'm used to it, it's that i still would like to kick rocks (can it be moondust now?) as i move.
    
    
42. if pronounced properly, is please? the most potent prayer? (did you hear all of mine?)
    
    
43. please?
    please?
    please?
    
    
44. can i try again? __that time didn't count, i didn't know anything!, i had to learn everything along the way!
    
    
45. am i dead? (at last?) (finally?) (really?) (it can't be... i've never been so happy)
    
    (not now.__ let me sit here and work out what just happened... __i was never ready to be alive)