Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Dynamics of Hope, the Memory Machine, and Stages of Resignation: 2008, Some Points of Summary (kinda)

And the book says: "We may be through with the past... but the past is not through with us"

____Quiz Kid Donnie Smith

untitled, by Isa Marcelli

a spot of rain lands on my elbow. i look up from my notebook. A steady rain cools the air and glazes the sidewalk, freshening up fluorescent hues. A large family sit at the table besides me, the children climbing all over vacant chairs and tables and one another. My coffee's already stopped steaming. A teenage girl kisses her little sister on the forehead and walks back to her seat. My headphones are loud so i can't hear much.
____so, 2008, this is how, where, when, you've chosen to end.

the last time i saw you was today, a year ago, did you know that? Probably not. I remember everything about you, especially the last page (all of them).
____(finally the hug stops. the car's parked on the most ridiculous incline i feel like an astronaut) She's filled it with all my stuff because i was hugging you and yellow lights and white bricks (and i'm sure a part of me knew it wasn't a 'new(est) beginning' like you said, but the new(est) (final) ending).
____i remember the air and the quiet and Mona's patient face. In the end, as though realizing i'd been holding my breath (all year) i put my hands to my lips and kissed my fingers and touched your cheek. you cried softly, it wouldn't even have disturbed a cat. i got in the car parked vertically. a voiced communication with a space-station somewhere was not heard, and at 3am Christmas Day, we ended something we thought we were rejuvenating.
____a quarter of an hour later, Monz says: how you feeling?
__- just like skin. i left everything that matters behind.
__- ... i'm glad you got in (finally
__- ... i almost didn't.
__- i know. _that's what __why __i'm saying , said ...
__- anyway.

__Gol: Q, just... you have to be patient, really it kills me to-
_ __Q: um, excuse me, i'm plenty patient, i define patience, i own it, i invented it-
__Gol: you're right, you're right, but still Q... i'm telling you, it just feels like a year for miracles -
_ __Q: fu&^ing fu&^ing shut-up with that fu&^ing rant about god-damned screw-themselves miracles. you and monz and you're damned miracle-sighting-expeditions!
__Gol: ... there's a long way to go yet Q. All i'm saying, all i'm saying, keep it simple. look at your feet. plant the next step. leave the universe to the universe.
_ __Q: ...
__Gol: ...
_ __Q: that's good advice.
__Gol: [exhale.sigh]

i hang up the phone. i'm quiet. i reek of silence, it emanates from me so Mar and Courtney just stare, What? What?
__- i gotta go
__- gotta... go where?
__- LA.
__- what? no!. Q!, no! you're almost happy. almost happy is a big improvement, you're not-
__- my grandfather passed away.

i walk to my notebook open to the page that my marker's marked, fumble for the pen that i've been kicking around on the carpet all week and write:

i_ am_ too_ not_ r e a d y_ .

her face turns blue: Q, you said you'd stay a bit longer... just to make sure of... things. __you said you would. __you said. _[i'm scared].
i know baby, but the price difference is over a thousand dollars. just for an extra 2 weeks. it's going to be scary to live alone no matter when it starts... so, let's just say it starts 2 weeks sooner... it'll be hard for us too, no matter when.
__(she cried) ____(mom cries) ____(i look around. my lips are too dry to speak. i repeat fu^& and ya'Baha'u'llapa in various combinations for the next 14 hours trying to find words.strength.answers)

the LA sky is always blue. never a cloud. it's eerie. The sun is heavier than any rain. I sit, topless, because mom insists it'll help with my 'depression'. I listen to Mozart and close my eyes and try to disappear. (open?) (damn. no. still here) repeat. Each patch of blackess is a noisy concoction of names . dates . planes . snow . trains . Eman's hug . Haifa . being lost . words . answers . wind . half mumbled prayers/curses (in the same breath) . dreams of death and dead people . did i kill the future? . (o p e n !, god, i can't take that)

____at 4am i finally get out of bed and make myself a bowl of cereal. eat slowly. my step-dad comes out the bedroom.
__'you're up?'
__'never sleep. __what about you?'
__'jet-lag. i'm still on Australia time.'
__'something on your mind?'
__'is that all?' (smile)
__' everything is alot'

and i walk (with a limp) down the boulevard at 2am with my headphones on. I fell playing basketball, again. I stop in front of of the bookshop and stare at the mannequin-head-installation-art the hippie owner's boyfriend made (she tells me about it 2 weeks later when i finally pop in and buy Stravinsky, a Critical Survery and the second volume of Virgina Woolf's A Common Reader essays). I walk on, hands in pockets. I pass the closed carwash. the mexican food stall. the supermarket that's open till midnight- sometimes 1am. and what is life that i should find myself walking down Santa Monica Blvd. at 2am listening to Russian rock songs?

____vii. (your love will be safe with me)
__you: and... the thing... come up with , have been thinking...
_ __q:__________just say what's on your mind. we're beyond this.
__you: we shouldn't talk anymore.
______not at all.
__ _q: wanna... discuss this?_,_ or have you made up your mind?
__you: _no. __made up.
_ __q: _ok.
__you: __ok?
_ __q: i disagree; _but if that's what you've come up with and-
__you: you brought this on, ok?, y o u . Don't pass this off on me. (your actions)
_ __q: __Yeah. __sure. __ok.
_ __q:
__you: you'll be ok?
_ __q: _____________... yeah.
__you: ok.
_ __q: __bye. __look after yourself. __be well.
__you: that's harsh.
__ _q: that my dear, was hardly harsh. _(in comparison. __(given the circumstances.
__you: [sigh]
______you'll be ok?
__ _q: yes. stop asking. ___take care.
__you: Bye Qdudus.
_ __q: Bye _ _ _ _ _.

(and the rest is silence)

there's a picture of it Ashley took. four of us walking in a line. i have my silly hat on and a half-unbuttoned shirt. Liam has his towl around his neck and he holds it at both ends. Andy stares over and is listening, Em is half amused.

i arrive home smelling of sand and the sound of geological time-frames.

mom opens the door: what kind of friends do you keep who have time to go to the beach at 2 in the afternoon on a Monday? (i smile)

Martha's the only person who's heard me cry.

(i stare for 20 minutes at cars and people passing. At the end of it, under all the dust and smiling teeth: how do you forgive the past?, i can't do it, how do you do it?, how do you do it?, how do you do it?


martha said...

you forgive the past by understanding, by loving, by realizing that nothing could have been done differently. whatever the future might be the past is done.

the snow has been falling mixed with rain--its your weather and i miss you.

Anonymous said...

agree with mar and your mum.

time to decipher between the forest and the city... between angels and mortal... between what is real and .... everything else. 2009 will be the year of everything that wasn't.

golriz said...

i guess the reality is you can't get any of it back. there is no option to ctrl z. so it's not really an option not to forgive. if you stay stuck there, the past ends up affecting every moment of your present. and ultimately your future.

and then you get really bored of the monotony.