The Dynamics of Hope, the Memory Machine, and Stages of Resignation: 2008, Some Points of Summary (kinda)

And the book says: "We may be through with the past... but the past is not through with us"

____Quiz Kid Donnie Smith










untitled, by Isa Marcelli

____i.
a spot of rain lands on my elbow. i look up from my notebook. A steady rain cools the air and glazes the sidewalk, freshening up fluorescent hues. A large family sit at the table besides me, the children climbing all over vacant chairs and tables and one another. My coffee's already stopped steaming. A teenage girl kisses her little sister on the forehead and walks back to her seat. My headphones are loud so i can't hear much.
____so, 2008, this is how, where, when, you've chosen to end.


____ii.
the last time i saw you was today, a year ago, did you know that? Probably not. I remember everything about you, especially the last page (all of them).
____(finally the hug stops. the car's parked on the most ridiculous incline i feel like an astronaut) She's filled it with all my stuff because i was hugging you and yellow lights and white bricks (and i'm sure a part of me knew it wasn't a 'new(est) beginning' like you said, but the new(est) (final) ending).
____i remember the air and the quiet and Mona's patient face. In the end, as though realizing i'd been holding my breath (all year) i put my hands to my lips and kissed my fingers and touched your cheek. you cried softly, it wouldn't even have disturbed a cat. i got in the car parked vertically. a voiced communication with a space-station somewhere was not heard, and at 3am Christmas Day, we ended something we thought we were rejuvenating.
____a quarter of an hour later, Monz says: how you feeling?
__- just like skin. i left everything that matters behind.
__- ... i'm glad you got in (finally
__- ... i almost didn't.
__- i know. _that's what __why __i'm saying , said ...
_______anyway.
__- anyway.


____iii.
__Gol: Q, just... you have to be patient, really it kills me to-
_ __Q: um, excuse me, i'm plenty patient, i define patience, i own it, i invented it-
__Gol: you're right, you're right, but still Q... i'm telling you, it just feels like a year for miracles -
_ __Q: fu&^ing fu&^ing shut-up with that fu&^ing rant about god-damned screw-themselves miracles. you and monz and you're damned miracle-sighting-expeditions!
__Gol: ... there's a long way to go yet Q. All i'm saying, all i'm saying, keep it simple. look at your feet. plant the next step. leave the universe to the universe.
_ __Q: ...
__Gol: ...
_ __Q: that's good advice.
__Gol: [exhale.sigh]


____iv.
i hang up the phone. i'm quiet. i reek of silence, it emanates from me so Mar and Courtney just stare, What? What?
__- i gotta go
__- gotta... go where?
__- LA.
__- what? no!. Q!, no! you're almost happy. almost happy is a big improvement, you're not-
__- my grandfather passed away.






i walk to my notebook open to the page that my marker's marked, fumble for the pen that i've been kicking around on the carpet all week and write:

i_ am_ too_ not_ r e a d y_ .


____v.
her face turns blue: Q, you said you'd stay a bit longer... just to make sure of... things. __you said you would. __you said. _[i'm scared].
i know baby, but the price difference is over a thousand dollars. just for an extra 2 weeks. it's going to be scary to live alone no matter when it starts... so, let's just say it starts 2 weeks sooner... it'll be hard for us too, no matter when.
__(she cried) ____(mom cries) ____(i look around. my lips are too dry to speak. i repeat fu^& and ya'Baha'u'llapa in various combinations for the next 14 hours trying to find words.strength.answers)


____vi.
the LA sky is always blue. never a cloud. it's eerie. The sun is heavier than any rain. I sit, topless, because mom insists it'll help with my 'depression'. I listen to Mozart and close my eyes and try to disappear. (open?) (damn. no. still here) repeat. Each patch of blackess is a noisy concoction of names . dates . planes . snow . trains . Eman's hug . Haifa . being lost . words . answers . wind . half mumbled prayers/curses (in the same breath) . dreams of death and dead people . did i kill the future? . (o p e n !, god, i can't take that)

____at 4am i finally get out of bed and make myself a bowl of cereal. eat slowly. my step-dad comes out the bedroom.
__'you're up?'
__'never sleep. __what about you?'
__'jet-lag. i'm still on Australia time.'
__(nod)
__'something on your mind?'
__'everything.'
__'is that all?' (smile)
__' everything is alot'

and i walk (with a limp) down the boulevard at 2am with my headphones on. I fell playing basketball, again. I stop in front of of the bookshop and stare at the mannequin-head-installation-art the hippie owner's boyfriend made (she tells me about it 2 weeks later when i finally pop in and buy Stravinsky, a Critical Survery and the second volume of Virgina Woolf's A Common Reader essays). I walk on, hands in pockets. I pass the closed carwash. the mexican food stall. the supermarket that's open till midnight- sometimes 1am. and what is life that i should find myself walking down Santa Monica Blvd. at 2am listening to Russian rock songs?


____vii. (your love will be safe with me)
__you: and... the thing... come up with , have been thinking...
_ __q:__________just say what's on your mind. we're beyond this.
__you: we shouldn't talk anymore.
______not at all.
__ _q: wanna... discuss this?_,_ or have you made up your mind?
__you: _no. __made up.
_ __q: _ok.
__you: __ok?
_ __q: i disagree; _but if that's what you've come up with and-
__you: you brought this on, ok?, y o u . Don't pass this off on me. (your actions)
_ __q: __Yeah. __sure. __ok.
__you:
_ __q:
__you: you'll be ok?
_ __q: _____________... yeah.
__you: ok.
_ __q: __bye. __look after yourself. __be well.
__you: that's harsh.
__ _q: that my dear, was hardly harsh. _(in comparison. __(given the circumstances.
__you: [sigh]
______you'll be ok?
__ _q: yes. stop asking. ___take care.
__you: Bye Qdudus.
_ __q: Bye _ _ _ _ _.

(and the rest is silence)


____viii.
there's a picture of it Ashley took. four of us walking in a line. i have my silly hat on and a half-unbuttoned shirt. Liam has his towl around his neck and he holds it at both ends. Andy stares over and is listening, Em is half amused.

i arrive home smelling of sand and the sound of geological time-frames.

mom opens the door: what kind of friends do you keep who have time to go to the beach at 2 in the afternoon on a Monday? (i smile)

____ix.
Martha's the only person who's heard me cry.


____x.
(i stare for 20 minutes at cars and people passing. At the end of it, under all the dust and smiling teeth: how do you forgive the past?, i can't do it, how do you do it?, how do you do it?, how do you do it?