naiveties I can't.won't give up, a List:

____1. that 10 years after, when my future.wife and i have discussed everything, we will sit in complete quiet and carry, in eloquent silence, that conversation that won't end.

____2. that in the very darkest parts of the very deepest oceans, terrifying giant squid still exist that can snap submarines so easily into two.

____3. that my future.baby.boys will be born with a genetically pre-programmed predisposition for neckties.

____4. in those alone moments when i sometimes think of you, and know nothing about you-now, and where you are and what doing and who with, but i whisper a little prayer into the car window or wall or bedsheet besides me and hope the universe is kind to you, i hope that is enough, and if you think of me, i hope it is in the same way.

____5. though i've never discovered it, that there is a better place.

____6. time left to myself weathers off the rough edges.

____7. people prefer honesty. the world needs more.

____8. a good (wo)man in a bad system is still better than a bad (wo)man in a bad system. in other words: our actions do matter.

____9. that i will see most of you again.

____10. there is a building somewhere that eventually i will call 'home' (and mean it) (and i'll be there long enough to have a cat.dog called Archmides... or Plutarch. or Wordsworth. or Humbert Humbert) who will sit on my lap quietly and ponder in cat.dog-analogous terms: that there is always time.room for beauty and beautiful things.

____11. closing my eyes when i run is almost the same thing as flying.

____12. when i make love my soul slips out of my body and into hers like two clouds coalescing.

____13. picking the right tie for an occasion ensures things will go fine.

____14. i'm ok. i'm enough.

____(15. next time things will go better)

____16. it's crucial that i learn more 'stuff'. i don't know why, it's just important that i do.

____17. everything i need to know about life is encrypted into the sound-patterns of falling rain. if i listen long enough i'll learn to decode it, and it'll tell me everything.

____18. 2008 wasn't all my fault. some of these things just needed to happen. in other words:

____19. there is a God. (S)he mostly likes me, is merciful and just in a combination that is individual to each soul in ways i cannot fathom. that my life is a meaningful rat-race-exercise: and i'm doing ok at it (so far).

____20. my future.baby.girls will look beautiful(delicious) in their dance(ballet) tutus (and will not grow up to resent me for all the pictures i took of them dressed that way)

____21. eventually, (in the end) it will all be ok.

____22. precise, accurate communication improves all relationships.

____23. when i meet her, we'll work the rest out.

____24. i'm not as alone as i (usually) feel

____25. writing things down helps. my writing's not that bad. (even if it never gets published - except in Gol and Anjie's books: thanks guys!!)

____26. synergy was a way cool word that's now irredeemably tarnished by self-help catch-phrases and DIY BEST SMALL-BUSINESS MANAGER IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER(EVER!) books.

____27. she appreciated the novel i wrote her. she hasn't thrown it out. she still has it somewhere, crammed and hidden. it means some(any)thing to her. that is enough. i'll be happy with some(any)thing.

____28. the reason i feel closer to god when i listen to Bach, Brahms, Arvo Part, Eva Cassidy, Nina Simone etc. is because i am.

____29. dance is self-exorcism.

____30. my sister is god's gift to m family - for which we owe everything we are. eventually, the real her will be unwrapped, and i'll be able to measure her wingspan properly. i'm convinced that that moment will make this life posthumously worth it.

____31. no one will complain that half of my funeral will involve people siting silently in their seats listening to music i'll have chosen in advance - things everyone should hear once before they die.

____32. love is not everything. but it's reason enough.