Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Aaaahhhh. everything (why i cannot write)

____we will not be the last
____we will not be the last
____we will not be the last
____we will not be the last

________Bloc Party

untitled, [Brett Walker]

there is death. which falls out of the sky. which is counterintuitive, since i always imagined it sprouting from underneath our feet, like Easter Lilies around our ankles. like little clouds. and we slowly sink in. but, also, it can work the other way. falling from the sky like a rejected cloud falling thanks to the same-old gravity we all know by first name. spontaneous and free as just that: falling. (out) of the sky. something just landing on our doorstep (and that something is not being). and if people wanna keep falling dead out of the sky, i don't know how if i concentrate on what's in front of me.
________(and for all the things that might fall, ducks, and Zeus's lightnight bolts, and hail, i don't think there could have been a brighter star to have been extinguished than Khash Khatami)

then there is black water. it is everywhere, can't you see it? it's there. when i drive (day and night), i see it slowly creeping from the edge of the roads so i feel like there are river banks everywhere who suddenly seek my company. (a coldness to it too, and i sleep shirtless and wake every morning when for an hour it gets cold enough to warrant something other). you just need to be loved. by everyone. all the time. that's your problem. (who left that window open?) (you need to stop peaking in. it takes all the fun out of me when you know everything well in advance) and the thing is q, it's ok to just be yourself. i don't know who's convinsed you that you isn't enough, but it is. it's more than enough. (and the problem with not remembering who you are.were.want to be, is that all the other options don't quite fit right in your skin and there are sharper little bits that stick out and baggy sags as well. and if i morph another couple of times i'll lose it for sure, and will be autumn without the leaves and winter with a cold, relentless, austere sun (like an old woman's face, white and chiseled and unforgiving), and summer without the sound of the ocean, and spring without a single carnation or daisy and not a man blowing his nose from hayfever anywhere to be found. it will be damnation.

(what i'm trying to say is:
i'm freaking out a bit. it doesn't look, smell or fewl like 2007. nothing about it. it flows nicely. people are falling out of the sky. in 2007 they sank slowly till they suffocated. now they just fall and cuts are sharp and swift. that's fine. also, it flows nicely (did i just say that?). i am happy amongst myself and look forward to empty rooms and am half-tempted to just turn my phone off and disconnect my internet to preserve the littleness of me-ness i've finally discovered living in a quiet space somewhere inside myself. (a part of me i haven't tarnished beyond repair, he's an old man, living silently in a cave where he'd hoped to get past these last years undetected. i've found him and am slowly re-learning his language. asking him to inform me how it was things were. who it was i used to be. and how to do that again.

of course i did something 'naughty' the other day and everyone presently hates me. they'll get over it. (07's and 08's are sending ghosts back. terminator's from another time. these are wishing wells with very strong grips. i need to navigate it away from myself. i need to navigate sadness and paranoia and all those yesterdays that do. not. exist. anymore. away from myself. i need to charter busses and jets and rafts that cross dark rivers, and load all the old me's onto them, all the old names, memory, faces, books, ideas, bad-Q! bad-Q!, substances, airless windowless rooms, hatred, fear, self-loathing, history, all me, all 2008, all 2007, they need to be expelled. absolved. abrogated.

nothing i find, no tree or Bacardi or patch of skin (soft soft soft) is going to repatriate me. i am home, but blind. (not: homeless and sightful). i am inverted. upside down. backasswards. retrograde. differentiated. recast. tarnished and sullied by the unfortunate happening of life.

this last week, this weekend, the wedding- and all those hearts beating together in one room, on dancefloors, holding each other, and sitting besides each other at tables, and my friend dying inexplicably (the one heart that stopped beating)... everything i love and hate about life. side by side. as usual. the god i hate, and the God i love. the life i loathe. and the life that fills me with Wonder and Inspiration, and a will to wake up. the q that can't stand on his own feet (yet). and can't manage excitement without breaking something (and just so you know, i was naughty, and no one's talking to me at present), and the Q that knows nothing but love. and friendship, and can't wait to be himself, because he wants to know what words his future.babies will mispronounce so he can giggle and not-correct them and fill a notebook with them (and sit in bed at night wondering how best to phonetically transcribe their too.gorgeous sounds) and fill tape recorders with them so he can montage them into a video, and if i die, just in case, here's what i want you all to know, (just in case), (when healthy 28-year-old's heart's start failing randomly in the evening, who knows what could happen) ... (during my
jog yesterday i was covered in the sweat of fear. any moment now. for no reason at all. it could. it did. maybe it could did again)

____1. in between prayers, there must be music. nclude: the slow movement of Ravel's Piano concerto in G, Part's Spiegel im Spiegel, Thomas Tallis's O Salutaris hostia, and two Bach minuets from Anna Magdelena's notebook, g minor and d minor. played in full. i don't care if people are bored, they need to hear these things once in their life.

____(make sure at least one prayer for Praise and Gratitude is said)

____2. if my mom and sister are unhappy, tell them i've never been soo happy in all my non.life. also, tell them: i win!

____3. dress to impress fools.

____4. no speeches. no obituary. (but maybe read Tennyson's Ulysses... or, here read this (and make sure someone who knows how to read Cummings reads it. If Anjie's there give it to her):

________i thank You God for most this amazing
________day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
________and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
________which is natural which is infinite which is yes

________(i who have died am alive again today,
________and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
________day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
________great happening illimitably earth)

________how should tasting touching hearing seeing
________breathing any--lifted from the no
________of all nothing--human merely being
________doubt unimaginable You?

________(now the ears of my ears awake and
________now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

(and that makes me smiley enough to manage the rest of my reading in preparation for my Contracts tutorial)

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