Things That Make It Ok, a List:

____1. heaven is most memorable at night. and when it rains,
________there, (that place), castles of sound and exhaled humidity,
________is a home i can live with. in. amongst. am.

____2. and a freshly washed car, driving too fast, music too loud, heaters on and windows down and windows up and heaters down and wind real and imaginary, and the fluid feel of highways and sharp turns and the girl from MacDonalds who smiles at me and everything that goes into forgetting time and place and selfdom for a few moments

____3. my wall stands proud. my baby i call it. all throughout i would say see my baby growing? everytime a new row was placed. and i could feel it digging into the 50 or so tonnes of dirt it holds back. i made Atlas's back. two kinks, his vertebra. does it make me more man if i have built a wall? perhaps not. (but it does help with my longstanding gender issues)

____4. tomorrow (today actually, it's passed midnight) a new(est) future begins. a new me. i am bloodthirsty for the future. challenging it. taunting it.

____5. the new(est) Q. it's nice to be a new man. with untested limits, unexpected reactions, surprising moments of tenderness and wisdom and frustration. from within i am learning who this new man is.

____6. martha's prints have now been reframed. they look the way i always wanted them to look. they hang besides my bookshelf. it is a nook. it is my (current) favorite place in the world.

____7. "you know, i'm starting to love this house."
"yeah?"
"yeah."
"what's changed?"
"i know the floors better than anyone. everywhere it's not perfect... the hollow spots, the perfect angles, the chipped corners. i know the sliding door got flipped. i know which screws are threaded and if anyone tries to remove them they're in for a heck of a ride. i know this house like an anatomist."
"does that make it a home?"
"it... just... might."
"that's good right?"
"i don't know. i won't know what to do with it."
"what does anyone do with a home?"
"they use it as a pivot."
"what does that mean?"
"i think it means i'm not falling anymore."

____8. mostly it's just this:

____i'm ready.
____bring it.
____(whatever it is)