Wednesday, February 4, 2009

ways of not questioning happiness; (fragments); (for you, little star)

___You must have wanted him to know
___You must have wanted the world to know

______Stina Nordenstam

____i. (nocturne)
the fan twirls. it sounds like it's raining. but it's not, it's just the fan. outside it is night. inside it is something else. not quite as dark as night is. not soo heavy either. i sit in my underwear. under the fan. and it sounds like it's raining only it's not. and the air is thick (but not heavy). and outside it is night, while inside it is a quieter place than that. my skin relaxes its tenseness so i fold and hang over the couch. in my underwear. while it doesn't rain but sounds like it does. while it looks like night but is something lighter and quieter than that.

____ii. (operational procedures)
do not fear being ridiculous. be flagrantly ridiculous. drink Red Bull before 8am, and a Frozen Coke before 10am.

drive a SMART car and listen to Scarface and Ludacris. listen to them loudly. and make obscene hand gestures and pout your lips while you drive. elderly gentlemen will frown, middle-aged ladies will be offended, and everyone else will mock, jeer, laugh uncontrollably, or at very least: experience the legnth and breadth of their world expand just minutely. (you too can expand the length and breadth of the world minutely).

look people in the eye. do not retract your hand (or knees) (or feet) when you accidentally touch someone. ignore the Definitive Guide to Body Language and lean forward when you are speaking to people - it's ok to appear excited about people. enjoy company. enjoy words. enjoy saying hello for no reason. enjoy yourself.

____iii. (open-heart surgery)
the process of aging baffles me. to experience happiness at an older age is to experience a different genus of happiness. there is a kaleidoscopic morphing in life i am still unaccustomed to. (and it makes me feel happy. and light. like i am still a new thing.) and the process of aging soo infrequently surprises me by reminding me how new a thing i really am. how stars and trees are old men, and i am still in my original packaging. even the dirt smiles paternally at my feet.
____and i hope in time i learn to not hate the book because i hate occasional chapter of it. and i wonder if there's a tiny fusion-reaction somewhere in my chest, or if i have grown one solitary branch and that is why i feel more... human.

____iv. (something i have never... )
if i died now...
(i don't want to)
(i'd feel like i might miss out on something)
i've never felt like that before.


this is a new thing. i don't know how to write about this. i don't know how to feel this. over the next [insert time-frame here], i am going to develop a language for it.


Anonymous said...

. .... ...

a penny for the old guy said...

. .... ... ...

ana said...

Stina Nordenstam I love.