sigh.

____I am a part of all that I have met;
____Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
____Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
____For ever and for ever when I move.

________Ulysses, Tennyson










it could just be. it's sad if it is. perhaps that's what aging is all about. those odd looking faces you see. shop assistants. the reason gas-station attendants never like talking. disappointment. an entire world populated with people whose mothers were wrong. perfectly ordinary. eggs. C-average students. can't be helped. know your rung.

unfair really, given the kaleidoscopes that live in our heads. i heard a story today about a man who was coughing blood. x-ray showed nothing much. invasive surgery revealed a fern growing in his lungs- creeping along his alveola. swallowed a seed or something. i thought it was a beautiful story. a transmogrification. definitive proof of magic. a man with a real tree for lungs. (sans blood anyway). that within my lungs there's enough air water and sunlight to nurture another life. to be mother to something. (the kaleidoscopes that live in our everywheres)

i am uncomfortable with all my is.es. is a man (kinda). is brown hair, curly. is dark eyes- currently puffy. is small but somewhat expressive hands that feel lonely independently of the rest of my is. is a writer (kinda). is a class of persons. is a consumer. is a filmgoer. is a not enough love maker. is a frozen-coke drinker. is an unreformed bigger-dreamer. is a constant lung-gardner. is a midnight guarder. is scared of anything too much darker.

what i'm saying is, it has become crystallised to me, unfortunately, the tremendous length and breadth of my ordinariness. which is not a terrible thing. it explains the limp way 10+ years married husband and oh. ___yeah. this is my wife's hold hands. because they never did move to Paris. never had sex in a park. never aced law-school. never wrote a novel. never took that hiking trip. this is normal. it happens. you wake up and work it out. wow. 26. an unwriter. B-student.

dear Q,
it's important you stop listening to the Last Resort by Trentemoller. it is true that it's the most sophisticated, lovely music you've encountered in a long while- but your brain is a fragile construction of shadow and twitchy carbon-based semi-conductive neurons. in other news:

when this is all over. i'm driving from the exam hall to the cinema.
with the largest frozen-coke i can get. in my lap. so it's wet in my lap.
and not care what i watch. so long as i can sit in the dark. and watch nothing(something.
worry later. think later. there are no dreams that you don't remember when you dance
(shake it up, it comes back to the surface). (snow-globe). doesn't last long. but long enough.

____________(and my face might be different