Sunday, April 5, 2009

smoke it to the filter

the trailer, Federico Erra

i know it's true because sometimes you walk away going nononono to yourself. (i wanted to wear the lime green pyjama pants) (i should have kissed her) (why didn't i say hello, he was right _ there) (i shouldn't have left) (i shouldn't have stayed) (i should have jumped) (why did i open my big mouth?) (i just wanted to touch her hand) (is it strange that we parked the car and got out and touched a tree and inhaled the mist in the air, and kicked around a few rocks, and drove on again?)

the thing i am concerned with right now is owning ever single moment. because they are balloons. full of nothing. potential air. potential gravity. potential words. all silent. all stillness and vague and boring and translucent. and every moment can be 'won'. every moment has a definite ending... a plateau. i'm sharpening my words, pppuuusshing every moment to its crisis, scrunching every universe into a ball and throwing it at the bin... oh really? lean towards me and close your eyes then. courage. you want to? now? beach? it's 4am... let's do it. adventure can be feigned but i'm thinking how much better to expand into it. grow into and fill up the baggy snakeskin i'm wearing. yes yes yes yes.

i am only concerned with the word yes. any time, any where. any one. you want to talk? you want to*ck.swim.scream.vent.makelove.sit silently saying nothing.drinkcoffee.drinkjuice.fall over and laugh.laugh.holdhands: i'm your guy.

i'm sharpening my words. i'm becoming sneaky. it's not just courage, half the time it's a conscious pushing. you feel it in the moment. something in it. something in this moment right here, wants to grow. there is a newer darkness in this. it wants to come out. there is a tragedy and a miracle here wanting to grow. my words, the look of my eye, the motion of my hands can water it. yesyesyes. i'm going to grind myself into every tension, bite into every quiet uncomfortable moment and come out the other side more loved/more hated/more confused than anyone ever before. sometimes even the night, the lunchtime, the coffeeshop girl, the best friend doesn't know it's there... or senses it and backs away. but that's where i come in. slide besides them. whisper in their ear. (they don't see it yet, but the moment is expanding, it's moving now, vectors, all vectors, movement in directions, arrows, cupid's bitch arrows, darkened clouds' darkened rain (is it black even before it hits the ground?)

drunker & higher & deeper & louder & farther than anyone's ever been lost before. (yesyesyesyes)

i'm not fooling around. i've found my panacea: it's me. and all that has to happen is i have to feed and nurture myself. accept it. develop it. watch it grow (me me me me)

oh it will be delicious. to approach every moment unafraid. unwavering. unapologetic. i'm going to smoke every second to the butt end, toss it aside, and think how stomach-full of life i am.

there are too many solutions to these problems. why life is soo crap and dull and boring and the stench of decay my skin's unbearable and time soo drawn-out and monotonous (nononono) oh nononononono. no more. not i. oh no.

i have sharper teeth.
i'm going to bite each and everyone.

i must prepare the vampire.


martha said...

it's about goddamn time.

Robyn said...

YES!!!! I am in love with your words! love love love. I might get a tattoo of the entire post on my arm so I can read it over and over again my entire life.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I really loved your 5 ways to start your autobiography. Deep.....

a penny for the old guy said...

hey- thanks ya'll.

except for mar. you just get a dirty (but loving) look.