motley

untitled, Caesar Sebastian


____1. buffer
Ashley's online so i feel less alone when i walk into my room. there's something about coming home to my empty bedroom at 3am that makes me... regret going out at all. isn't silence vast at 3am? and playing music seems wrong. undressing seems awkward. i feel like i'm disturbing an invisible dragon that lives in here when i'm out. it's a whole world my empty room at 3am. honestly, i feel agoraphobic, which makes no sense. (but sense i suppose is not a requirement.


____2.
THINGS I HAVE TO DO.FIX ONCE AND FOR ALL SO I CAN BE A NORMAL, HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING, A LIST:

__(a) it's not god's fault Q. at least, not all of it. you can't be displeased at the Pacific Ocean everytime you wish it might rain. it is what it is. assuage the hostility. curtail the apathy.

__(b) stop hating yourself. i know you have no idea how to do that. i know it's too embedded in your unconscious decisions and beliefs- but you just have to. have to. kill the paranoiac.


____3. (nocturne)
god my eyes sting. my ankles and feet hurt a little. i feel ashamed. foolish. i can't understand why. it's normal though. i feel this way everytime i go out. it's not pleasant. i'm soo tired my eyes sting and hurt. if i went to bed though, they wouldn't be soo accomodating. i lean my head on my shoulder, so my neck and head are perpendicular. i close my eyes and fall asleep for a minute or two. i wake up the same person. the same night(early morning). the same everything. even time has barely nudged. i feel entrapped a little.


4. prayer
dear god i hate you i hate your dammit guts and i don't know why and i wish i didn't because i love blueberries and dictionaries. i want to wreck myself to the very core and break bones and fracture hugs, but then i catch myself. and i bite myself soo hard it hurts. and i always feel like i'm falling. and i swear too much nowadays and have no confidence in myself (and mostly also in you) and i think neither of us is very good at counting the beats when we box-step. and you're not heairng me dear god, you're not. i got out a deck of cards and spelled it out. i wrote it on the fridge door. i'm a tryer. i'm trying. i just want you to know that ok? that i'm dizzy as hell from slamming my head up against whateverything. look slowly, every collision you see a jumble of words fall out. kiss me, that's what i need. dear god, i'd knife you to get a minute of silence do you know that? (where is the tomorrow i'm always looking for? where?