Sunday, August 30, 2009

boys + girls

I decided we wasn't goin' speak so
Why we up 3 a.m. on the phone?

Kanye & T Pain + (the Fray cover), Heartless

untitled, luca dinosaur campri

'but it's nice, just for the first time in a long time to be able to... go to a bar, or out or whatever, and just talk to girls, and mess with them a little and hava laugh and walk away... it's just... fun. candy. ya know?'
__sure. she knows. she doesn't speak, keeps her face straight, looking out at the road, she nods.
____the highway rises and falls, red brick buildings here and there. dark green trees. young men with dark coloured beards and women with distinct tattoos, i stare out the windows shaking my head slowly, 'god dammit i gotta move here'. [she nods again]

two nights ago i'm lying on the grass wrapped in god-knows-who's blanket and John Legend sings dammit lady, there's a war and a recession, the sky's a fallin and my country's a warrin, just love me already. i lean up. stare at him. my pants have a wet-patch from where i spilled my lemonade. (then proceeded to pick the pieces of ice out of the grass and suck each till i was shivering). leaning up i see the pretty girl i noticed walking in dancing with another lady. and i can't decide if it's contrived to what extent they seem oblivious of the couple hundred people around them, and the stage and the music they just dance to some beat and sneak their thighs in between the other's legs and the shorter-haired-woman grabs the other one, two hands, one on each cheek and stares soo deep into her even i get a peek of her soul and it scares me how easy it is, how prevalent... love._ i keep looking, i'm curious how long it'll take for them to kiss, they've been dancing around each others' lips for three songs now. the dancing's all but stopped, just a light, slow rocking, __(like leftover baby's clothes and tiny pink flip-flops being slowly dragged out to sea at sunset with the last family's laughter reduced to yawns and reminders that tomorrow's Monday have you packed your lunch yet dear?) __just a light, slow rocking, halcyon, you can see it nudging things together, like gravity lying on its back seducing leaves onto its chest, or magnets - dear lord all skin's just a magnet, there, they clash, lips like a zipper. fit into each other and make slow patterns. zebra stripes. dry at first, just skin to skin, but wetter, more forceful. harder. harder. tongues in throats, trying to climb mouthfirst down into another's darkness where it will be more wonderful than anything i've ever known because_ y_o_u_'re _more wonderful than anything i've ever known,

__i'm sad now i don't know why i can't explain it. i walk around looking for the brunette i saw before when i was getting my german sausage and lemonade, please- with ice? sure why not (after i spill the drink i can still suck the ice out of the grass and it will be a tremendous consolation to me) but she's not around. dark brown hair and tiny denim shorts. tanned skin and these days all i can think about - every 2.3 minutes i remember - kissing up women's legs, up the inside of their thighs, the crevice at the top, along the pubis - how it's firmer, more muscle than i'd ever thought when i first kissed a girl there, a small white tshirt and light blue eyes and the wind making her hair wild and short and curves in all the right places and delicious __Martha gives me a dirty look, shakes her head, he likes jiggly girls she says to our friend, who smirks. it's sunset and i watch her walk away, descend down some stairs, baby's toy : sunset : seduced by a too-much-larger than me tide : the sky/ocean soo large : convincing, how persuasive - no words, mine or otherwise have a chance, the top of her head disappears. So here i am, looking around, not finding anyone. i walk farther and use the bathroom. smile at a woman by the bar, i'm having trouble speaking tea coffee? best i can manage. she looks around, goes out back, returns, sorry dear, just... wine mostly. i nod. it is a winery afterall.

i buy a single scoop of strawberry icecream and talk to the man who sells it to me about the Counting Crows. i feel funny and laugh at his jokes only out of time. out of sync. not like the in-love-lesbians. i sit at the top of the amphitheater and stare at John Legend's drummer a while. deal with my iceacrem. try and ignore the wet patch of lemonade on my pants. the phrase: the sky's falling, love me already which makes me want to propose to the next gorgeous somebody i see and take her hand and say you my dear, yes you, the world is just another tomorrow followed by another(another) and i promise you nothing exceedingly extraordinary except us but it'll be wonderful even without it (exceedingly extraordinariness) why not, why wouldn't it, dammit girl, there're a dozen wars and we're not getting any younger and youth is soo beautiful we ought spend it all naked and laughing and let's go right now right now let's go we'll jut get in a car and drive and wake up in Honduras and it'll be every wonderful thing we never thought possible and what difference does anything at all make just love me already.

yeah it's different for me though i say. how so? she asks. i haven't really been in a relationship thingee for like... since... 2004ish. really it's 2003. i just... i need this. just to laugh with someone and watch movies and try and kiss her feet because she tells me she's weirded out by it. she shakes her head imperceptibly. if you say so. i raise my eyebrow. i do. that is what i say. so. so. i turn up the radio and roll down my window and start hollering about a little bar we pass named little bar that i think would be cool to hang out at.


and the lesbians can't control anything. physics. damn physics. runs things ya know. two people fall into the fast lane, it just goes from there.

fun and candy seem like small words.
all this makes me kinda sad.


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