Wednesday, August 26, 2009

mother-son banter as you drive around LA

untitled, Rodion

__- what is that?
__- redbull.
__- i see that, that's what it says on the can.
__- then why ask?
__- what is it? it's one of those energy drinks isn't it?
__- yes.
__- why couldn't you just say that?
__- because you already knew.
__- i want a taste.
____[she sips, then hands it back]
__- did you like it?
__- no.__ no wonder you have no appetite.
____is this your second?
__- third.
__- third? we haven't even loaded all the shopping yet how have you had three?
__- one in line. one walking towards the car. this is the third.
__- what if your heart stops?
__- the amphetamines haven't stopped it, i think we're safe.
__- you can't have three.
__- i just did. [throws can away]
__- you can't.
__- i just did.
__- it's going to stop your heart.
__- my psychiatrist says as long as i restrict myself to stimulants, i can have whatever i want.
__- what does that mean?
__- the stimulant family.
__- and who are the 'members' of the stimulant family?
__- this is the baby- caffeine [holds up remaining can], momma is amphetamine, and daddy is cocaine.
__- i'll kill you.
__- ...
__- i'll kill you. then you'll be dead. you want that? is that what you want you want to be dead from being killed?
____you better have your last can. it's better if you just die from that so i don't have to kill you myself, i don't want to get this dress dirty.
____[laughter ensues]


__- you know how you pretty much live in America now?
__- i don't live here i'm just here alot.
__- fine. so you know how you're here alot?
__- yes.
__- i'm going to trade-in your van back home.
__- fine. just get something easy to drive, not too big and good on gas. also cheap on parts and service. ok?
__- yeah. __you see that car over there? [points to a Ford F350 roughly the size of a stegosaurus]
__- i'm looking for a car, i'm not seeing a car.
__- right there, the blue-truck
__- yeah that is not contemplated under the definition of 'car'.
__- i'm gonna trade it in for that ok?
__- you disappoint me son. i really thought you'd seize your oppotunity to get a gypsy caravan to extend your room.
__- oh, they're too small, i was thinking of getting a school bus like that [points to yellow schoolbus]
__- that's lame, it doesn't even have a built-in toilet.
__- yeah but it has lots of windows.
__- you're a thinker, a real thinker son i'm soo proud of you.


__- why are you soo excited?
__- these tshirts cost 99c.
__- since when do you wear 99c tshirts?
__- since my underwear cost $7.
__- are you wearing designer underwear?
__- ... yeah they're Ralph Lauren.
__- i was gonna say. what kinda idiot pays $7 for underwear.
__- are you crazy?, they cost $40 in Australia
__- that's 7 times 5.7 worth more idiocy than even you.
__- did you just do that in your head?
__- yeah. one day when you learn the value of money and have to budget your accounts, you'll also learn to divide.


__- turn here.
__- where?
__- here.
__- where?
__- there- you passed it.
__- dammit.
__- i'm glad you got those new glasses, they make soo much difference.


__- i thought we're just going out for lunch.
__- we did go out for lunch.
__- yeah, about 4 hours ago.
__- do you have a problem with helping your mom run some errands?
__- some errands? dude, we've been to the 99c store, Walmart, ValuePlus, Ralphs AND Vons, two persian markets, and two kebab shops
__- what do you want from me the bread smells nicer at this one.
__- eff my elle mom. eff _ my _ elle.
__- save the effing for your new whoever temporarily misguided girlfriend [cracks up laughing]
__- oh you think you're soo hip.
__- __what do you hate in life?
__- uhm... driving i suppose. i hate driving.
__- me too, i hate driving. and pushing shopping trolleys, i always prefer to have someone shop with me so they can push the trolley. oh, also i hate pumping gas. Q, remind me, we need to get gas on the way home.
__- (eff my elle)
____[she smirks proudly]


capone said...

amazing. i love your mama. effe my elle.... amazing.

Anonymous said...

i may just have to make youtubes of this. although the only way that will end is with 'the sub. sub' being terribly offended

a penny for the old guy said...

let's offend everyone. that can be our modus operandi. secondly, make sure my momma's awesome. thirdly, send me the link, it will be delicious.