extended intro / Happiness is...

RY, heimdalsgate



CREDIT:
Ashleigh took the above picture which i really like. i really like lots of them. (more here).

PROLOGUE:
i don't feel like writing. i felt like dancing. but i can't. on account of not really having enough energy to move , study , or sleep. i do have enough energy to slump on my couch - which is what i'm doing - and listen to M.A.N.D.Y., which makes me mildly euphoric. so i'm writing. hello. next problem... what to write about?


FILMS I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE DEFENDING BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME BUT NO ONE AGREES WITH ME, A LIST:

___- Marie Antoinette
___- Magnolia
___- the Watchmen
___- Happiness
___- the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original, duh)
___- Team America: World Police
___- Burn After Reading
___- Eyes Wide Shut
___- Saved

AWESOME TEXT-MESSAGE FRAGMENTS THAT DESERVE ENDURING LITERARY FAME:

___- we're heading out soonish. If you change ur mind about being a pirate arrrr!-tard hit me back &i'll come get u.
___-Yeah yeah. Boo to u, & ur delinquent riff-raff band of social-pariah miscreants and outcasts you call bros-and-hoz, while the rest of society scowls and stares at you and your one-legged, blind eyed brood of pirates and pack of jokers not an ace amongst you but perhaps three jacks and a lonely one of hearts, rot away and be forgotten to the sewers and under-funded public-libraries from which thine bastard scent came!!


WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS:

___X = (a + b + c + ... + ∞) - (a' + b' + c' + ... + ∞')
___= ∑ A - ∑ B

where A = (a + b + c + ... + ∞) ___and ___B = (a' + b' + c' + ... + ∞') ___and,

where A = B = apathy, which is infrequent.
assume for all purposes that: A ≠ B

by definition, if:

___A > B : happiness, ___and,
___A < B : unhappiness, i.e.,

Define: A: the summation of all happy-inducing feelings,
e.g.: one possible example is the following set:

___A = (friends + smile from stranger + awesome blueberry muffin + disco disquo disko + payday + ... + ∞)

Define: B: the summation of all unhappy-inducing feelings,
e.g.: one possible example is the following set:

___B = (gossip + insecurity + missed the late bus + they're out of muffins + penile dysfunction + ... + ∞)

But this model necessarily assumes that everything can be classed as belonging to set A or B, respectively. That is,

___anyeverypossiblepossibility ∈ A or B

This is inaccurate on account of alexithymia, or, untaxonomic, inexplicable, immeasurable, 'things'. Therefore, must include a third class such that:

___X = ∑ A - ∑ B ± Λ

Note that Lambda specifically chosen because it looks unfinished. Furthermore, it is necessary that the amount has the possibility to add to, or deduce from, X because an undigested emotion/feeling/'thing' may effectuate either happiness or unhappiness. One simply does not know until one knows. Furtherfurthermore, defining the variables of a (by definition) immeasurable quantity Λ pose their own difficulties, which we cannot hope to resolve here. We leave that to your prayer books, crackpipes, and 3am epiphanies. Notwithstanding, we proceed thus:

___Λ = (α ± β ± γ ± ... ± ∞)

Where each term of the sum is an unknowable term that may be conducive to positivity or negativity, that is, a member of either-or A or B. In the interests of simplicity, we take only the overall sum of those incremental forces and define it, as we have, Λ. An alternative construction would have been to take the sum of all terms contributing to A and the sum of all terms contributing to B thus:

___X = ∑ A + ∑ Λ' - (∑ B + ∑Λ'' )

where:

___Λ' = positive contributions of Λ ___and,
___Λ''= negative contributions of Λ

Our approach, to take the two together from the outset, is more elegant.

Finally, some account must be made of half-formed emotions. Things that will eventually go towards making us happy (or not). These 'investments' and 'risks' are considered as being partial emotions, we cannot take account of them as being positive or negative presently, because their nature may change before the end of the day/season/year. For this reason we will not prematurely divide them into elements, but define the set as a whole, those that will eventually be positive summed with those that will eventually be negative to give us a total. Also therefore, we call them partials and adopt the nomenclature of multivariate calculus:

___∂Υ = (∂y ± ∂y' ± ∂y'' ± ... ± ∂∞)

Needless to say: the future's a mess.

What we have, in summary, is:

___X = ∑ A - ∑ B ± Λ + ∂Υ

Or, stated in words:

I FEEL: the sum of all the constituent things from-forever-until-today that make me happy, minus, the sum of all the constituent things from-forever-until-today that make me unhappy, plus-or-minus, the sum of all the constituent things from-forever-until-today that i cannot distinguish as belonging to either of the above categories, and then summed with: my hopes and apprehensions of the future, which, because, may be or may not be proven to be founded/unfounded, cannot be considered at the time being. But, will with the passing of each day be picked at from the bread of time, and chewed and (only) then determined as belonging to the bowl of happiness, the bowl of unhappiness or the bowl of (as yet) (still) (perhaps never) decided, so that in the end (at our death) (goodbye babyialwayslovedyoureyes, hello lordie!, here i come) ∂Υ will have ceased to exist all run out (sands in the hourglass so speak and all that's left is:

___Life = every happiness + every unhappiness + nevermadesenseof

(and i hope somebody somewhere has an Excel Spreadsheet open and an abacus at arm's length and is (while grooving to M.A.N.D.Y. keeping count of it all) humming and looking at 5billion television monitors going:

... frozen-coke, yes, you needed that, good work Stevie, point for you, no! NONO! dude. lame, plus one B for Carol because she heard a rumor and a B for dickface-Brad for startin' it but also: because Carol's gonna get you back and you're both gonna lose a couple there - oh, yes Ashley's giving a present which makes about 4 people happy, points for all, Leo's writing another poem that's gonna bum everyone that reads it out (seriously dude, stop being soo emo) and, Q! you're praying!, woah. point for you, i'll giv-ya an extra-one just cause it's rare, so damn rare i'll pop open the aged bottla-nectar we keep around here somewhere...


*___*___*

i haven't slept in days. even when i do it feels like i didn't. i fell asleep in class and popped more pills than numbers are made for and drank more caffeine than is measured in oceans and palpitated my way till 7pm when i eventually crashed from godknowswhatever on my couch and was tempted to scream seriouslyEFFFFFF it, except i didn't have the energy for it (or to watch Contempt or Being John Malkovich) and now i'm awake but still not and ... honestly, the night is just so perfect and the air of itself a bath in tulip-petals, so soft, like lying in a bed with skin-sheets or a lover's worth of body, either, any, all, will do, cereal is sweeter and my whole frame wants to sprout just one last breath today, hereherehere, this one's for you tuesday 11pm, my breath was here, cigarette smoke,magic,or miracle, just a moment's worth, but still worth(ful) something,

(we do mouth to mouth, she's better at it, sucks out my lungs everything i have it's the strangest feeling i suck it out of hers back into mine and she again, back and forth like that, afterwards she takes her hand off the back of my neck and i fall over on my back gasping for air and coughing and she giggles ...

___there are soo many ways to be breathless.