writer's block

stay tuned, anna morosini

i hand in the paper. sort out the slowly escalating altercation i'm having with the library. ends fine. fine fine, i'm calm, flattery. always. no point arguing principles. then i stop. wait. is that it? oh, no, there's the thing due tomorrow.


*___*___*

someone asks me have you seen such and such. no. i haven't left my room, except to go to the bathroom or the kitchen for tea, in 50 hours. it must have been night when i started, and i never opened them, the blinds, so i haven't seen sun either. this is hurting my eyes. she gives me a weird look.


*___*___*

after listening to 50 hours straight of techno, trance, glitchy minimal, anything to keep you awake and typing i have an adverse reaction to noise. i'm driving, i want fresh air but wretch at the sound of the wind through the window. listen to music with no percussion. Bon Iver. Pan American. caalllm.


*___*___*

i deserve a short break. 90 mins. 30 to eat, 60 to break. i walk around Borders. whenever it gets close to a break, Christmas or otherwise, i start to contemplate my holiday reading. the current short-list: Pale Fire, Nabokov. Men Without Women, Hemingway. Norwegian Wood, Murakami. Something or another by Marquez. i didn't mean to buy anything but i walk away with a few short reads just to keep me motivated over the next three weeks. On the Abuse of Words, Locke. Fear and Trembling, Kierkegaard. An Introduction to Chomsky. gotta start somewhere.


*___*___*

my god she's beautiful. something about women's skin, hair in the sun. fresh. that's what i mean, that's the word: fresh. like after a shower. the beach. or a deep breath. or a garden. something youthful and alive and existent about it. beauty can be like that. almost hurt. she walks by. bye.


*___*___*

SONGS THAT HAVE KEPT ME COMPANY IN MY SADNESS, A (SHORT)LIST:

___- Re: Stacks, Bon Iver
___- Gravity, Bic Runga
___- Exit Music, Videotape, Radiohead
___- Sunday Smile, Beirut

SONGS THAT HAVE MADE ME DANCE WHEN I AM HAPPY, A (SHORT)LIST:

___- Sinnerman, Nina Simone
___- This Time Tomorrow, The Kinks
___- Brown Eyed Girl, Van Morrison
___- It's My Life, Talk Talk
___- A Milli, Lil Wayne


*___*___*

can't tell if i'm warm or cold. it's annoying. and skin's numb. so when you rub your hand on it it's... strange. tingles. rejects the touch a little bit. my eyes hurt... i can't bear to look at anything. i speak slowly. deliberately. it takes effort. yes. i'm driving i hate my car. and the other cars. and everything. a diffuse sort of hate. like a knowledge not a feeling. it'll pass. a couple of days of quiet. that will fix things.


*___*___*

i haven't had a creative thought in weeks.

i have to go. i have 10 hours to prepare for an oral exam. that means i have to shave, dude, this is just ridiculous now.


*___*___*

[we will return to normal programming hopefully this weekend when life settles]