Sunday, December 20, 2009

home, some words


my mom worries about me when i'm in Adelaide. when people ask me why it's weird to be home i say it's the ghosts. there are lots of them. (i sit at my spot on the table with the bridal party and some close friends. the girl next to me is the girlfriend of the brother of one of my BFFs and she says to me, casually as anything, so, Vanessa? and i ask excuse me? and she says to me, she's good friends with my sister and i say who? and she says your ex, right? and i say oh and think wtf. except i don't really. it's Adelaide. this is just the sort of thing that happens here.

when the bride makes her appearance the groom cries and his chin quivers. i smile. my BFFs wife who i'm standing next to gushes awww he's soo cute! i shake my head, more concerned with the sun on my brow and i sweat down into my collar.

i'm home early because i'm exhausted and haven't slept in weeks. god you look pasty she says to me. even with the blinds closed, in the morning light, she's looking at me naked and huffing a little, god you look pasty. i look at myself, it's my library tan i say, with a smile. thinking i'm uber-clever. she gives a smirk, so maybe i am. she is. and if she smirked, then that must mean i am. anyway, i'm home early. because i'm exhausted. because i haven't slept in weeks. because i don't care about humans or social lives or anything. because i wanted to get disgustingly good grades and enter the law-school super-nerdo-sphere and have people gawk at me when i walk down the corridors and get into the Northwestern exchange program and spend half a year walking around the Art Institute in Chicago and half a year eating at diners everyday and half a year smiling and gorgeous girls in summer dresses except it's fall and i'm wearing a scarf and i get to have my very own kick-ass-american-college-t-shirt which (truth be told) is all i really need in life to be happy. except, after i explain this to the girl sitting next to me at the bridal party table, she says but if you're such a super-nerd, won't you end up spending the whole six months in a library in Northwestern instead of whatever cave you currently study in? yes. she's right. i never thought of that. but there's a big difference you know.
- what's that?
can't guess?
- nope.
- the tshirt.
- the tshirt?
- yah.
- the tshirt? you haven't slept in about 4 weeks, picked up a pretty serious amphetamine addiction, couldn't manage an erection for your girlfriend (who you go weeks without seeing) (and go days without picking the phone up on anyone), have lived off 2-minute noodles and cans of tuna and ice-cream sandwiches for the better part of two months, for a tshirt?
see that guy over there [i point across the table]
- yup
- that's my BFF
- i thought he's your BFF [she points to someone else]
- dude, look around you, this whole table is my BFF, anyway, that BFF over there, goes to Harvard. and he got me a tshirt i wear to bed everynight.
- and?
- and it's time i got my own.
- and you think that's worth the drug addiction and the malnutrition and the serious libido problem?
- you don't seem to grasp the awesomeness of the US-college-tshirt.
- clearly not.
- well, i guess that's that then, clear you don't.
- clearly not.
- clearly not.
- not.
- clearly.
- hmm.
- hmm.
- so you and Vanessa then? [at which point i excuse myself to go pee]

there are speeches. friends. it has been a long year. a long long year. i have finally named it. it has taken me two weeks of continuous consideration and reconsideration, 2007 was the year of disappointment. 2008 was the year of quiet miracles. (maybe the year of insidious miracles... one or the either anyway). but, 2009 is the year of unexpected surprises.

and now it's 1:14am. which wouldn't normally bother me. except the amphetamine comedown's a real bitch. and my eyes sting. but... it's all over. i'm writing again. and i'm going to tell you all about it. alllll about it.

after i sleep.

hi all.
the penny guy's back.